He Moves Mountains

CLARIFICATION

2012-01-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to address a comment left by Brooke. Btw, Brooke, thank you so much for feed back. I appreciate it! I wish so much that we could have a face to face conversation! It would be so interesting.

Anyway, let me clarify a bit. It isn't that I don't think we need to repent. If we have sinned and we are sorry, then of course. But I wonder if it is for us more than it is for Him? For us to clear our conscience? I don't know.

I just believe based on the scripture I shared before (among others), that Jesus knows our hearts. He knows our true heart. He knows if we are sorry or not. I believe when He died on the cross it covered me. Done. My sins past, present, and future.

Here is another scripture reference - Mark 2. It's the story of the paralyzed man lowered through the roof by his friends because they couldn't get to Jesus otherwise. So, here is what happened:

Mark
⁴ Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. ⁵ When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

Hm. So it says in verse 5, "When Jesus saw their faith..." When he saw their faith. He told the man his sins were forgiven. So because of his friends faith, he forgave the man. The man didn't say anything to Jesus. But Jesus saw his heart and also factored in his friends hearts.

I guess what I am trying to say is all of the people of the bible that Jesus considered faithful or forgiven were all pretty messed up. King David, a man God considered faithful, had 700 concubines. He committed adultery and killed people. Yet, he was a "man after God's own heart." Moses committed premeditated murder (Exodus 2) and yet, God considered him faithful.

There are tons of examples. Ultimately, God knew their hearts apart from their sins.

I really don't know the answers. I just know that Jesus' blood covers me. Because of His blood, I am considered righteous. 2000+ years ago, He died for my sins before they were ever committed. I believe He died for all of them. He knows my heart and knows that I want nothing more than to be pure before Him.

I just wonder, based on the scriptures and the people throughout history, if His grace is even more than I ever considered (obviously, but you know what I mean.).

Just something to think about...

FORGIVENESS

2012-01-20T19:05:00.001-05:00

I told you guys I would be sharing all the awesome stuff I am learning! I have not been this excited about something in a long time... ok, ever!

I want to say that my studies have really challenged me, making me think outside the box. I do want to clarify here before I go any further - this blog only represents my own personal thoughts. In no way do I think that I have the answers. In fact, I would encourage anyone to seek the answers for themselves. Dig into your Bible, pray, study and see where God leads you.

Let me start by stating the simple truth - Jesus is Messiah. He is God. He came to die, so that we could live. If you accept Jesus as your Savior, then you can have life eternally.

I have always believed that Jesus died for my sins, and I must confess my sins to Him, daily, to be forgiven. I also have believed that if I died with unconfessed sin, that I would have to stand before Him and be judged.

Recently, after hearing my cousin Shane speak on this very subject, I began to wonder if that was how it worked after all. Let me give you the scripture reference that caused me to rethink this.

John 8 tells us the story of the adulteress woman. The Bible says she was "caught in the act of adultery". Ok, lets think about this for a moment - caught in the act. How mortifying. Considering she was caught in the act, likely she was unclothed. Wouldn't you guess that? They were looking to publicly humiliate her, do you think they gave her time to get dressed? I would guess not. So they drag her, possibly unclothed, to Jesus. They say to Him, "The law of Moses says to stone her, what do you say?"

Jesus doesn't immediately answer them. He just bends down and starts writing in the dirt (I love how He just kind of ignores them for a bit!). They keep harassing Him for an answer. Meanwhile, this poor woman is lying there face down on the ground. Finally Jesus answers, "Alright, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone." Then, he bends down and starts writing in the dirt again. Can you imagine? LOL! The Pharisees were probably arms raised, ready to throw that stone, then they hear the last part! I would love to know what went through their minds! I am so going to ask Jesus that one day!

Anyway, one by one, they all left, until it was just Jesus and the woman. Here is where it is stinkin' cool. Jesus is a genius, I tell you! Sure the law of Moses says to stone her, but the law also states that two or more witnesses must be present to convict (Deut 19:15). Obviously, He knew that. He decided to doodle in the sand until they all went away. He "bought her time" so to speak! So they are all gone now and Jesus says to the woman, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?" The woman looks up, and realizes the Pharisees are gone - "No, Lord."

And then Jesus says, "Neither do I. Now go and sin no more."

WOO! "Neither do I." Y'all! That is some good stuff! Here is where my mind camps for a moment. No condemnation, judgement, harshness, anger. Just mercy, grace, acceptance, love.

Another example- when Romans came to arrest Jesus, what happened to the disciples? They left him, completely abandoned him. Not only that, Peter even denied he knew Jesus. Yikes.

However, after the resurrection, Jesus appeared on the beach one morning. Several of the disciples, including Peter, were coming in from a night of fishing. They saw Jesus on the beach, where He had prepared breakfast for them. And you know what? Jesus didn't even say, "GUYS! What happened? Why did you abandon me in my hour of need?" He never even brought it up. Instead, He loved on them, and fixed them a tasty breakfast. No condemnation.

Why? Grace. Mercy. Love.

One more. Remember the story of the thief, hanging on the cross beside Jesus? Clearly this was someone that had done bad things. He says to Jesus, "Remember me when you come into your kingdom." And Jesus says to him, "I assure you, today you will be with me in Paradise."

The thief didn't pray the "sinners prayer". Jesus didn't quote the "Roman Road" to him. The thief didn't confess his sins. All he did was acknowledge that Jesus was God. And in mercy, grace and love, Jesus promised him an eternal future.

There are more examples, but this post is already a book. Like I said above, I don't claim in any way that this is fact. Just my personal thoughts.

There is no condemnation in Him. We are righteous because we are covered by His blood. Nothing we do can earn that. He paid the price for all of our sins - not just the confessed ones. When we accept Him in our hearts as Lord, and confess we are sinners, we are covered. Often times it is taught - Do not sin, so God doesn't condemn you. However Jesus taught, "I do not condemn you. Now go and sin no more." Big difference.

Just as He said, "It. Is. Finished." I believe Him.

THIRTY ONE

2012-01-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

I am officially a Thirty One Consultant! Isn't that cool? I love their products and I thought it would be so fun! Not to mention I have to make some money if I am going to be galavanting across the globe!

So if need a cute new bag...

An awesome organizing tote...

Or any thing else, let me know!! I will be glad to help!!

DO YOU REALLY KNOW HIM?

2012-01-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

Recently, I began reading Beautiful Outlaw, by John Eldredge. It opened my eyes to a perspective I never considered. I began seeing Jesus as a man. He has always been my Savior, but I never thought of him much as a man. Not just a man, but a Jewish man.

I am not sure why it took me this long to "discover" this side of Jesus. I am not usually a follower. However, for my whole Christian life, I have let my "demomination" define my beliefs. I would read my bible and be satisfied with the 2 dimensional idea of Jesus. I never considered more than what was on those pages.

I feel like the veil has been lifted from my eyes. For the first time I see Him. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have always felt Him. He has always been with me, in my heart. He has always been Lord of my life. I just didn't see Him.

So I began wanting to know Jesus in a way like never before. It was not a coincidence that during this time, I was reunited with my cousin that I will be traveling with. Funny, how God works sometimes. He made the connection for me to be able to go to China with Shane, but he also made a connection for me that has blown my socks off.

Shane's ministry is not about evangelism. Honestly, I just assumed it was. His whole ministry is teaching the Bible from a Hebrew perspective. Really, it goes hand in hand with the Beautiful Outlaw concept. The book opens your eyes to Jesus as a man, and Shane's teaching opens your eyes to Jesus the Jew.

Without considering those sides of Him, you are missing the very essence of who He was. I am committed to learning about the Jewish culture of Jesus' time. The little bit I know already has transformed my thoughts on Messiah.

I understand that I will never have full understanding of Jesus, Son of Man. I know that any of my discoveries or ideas are like a speck in the grand scheme of who He is. But I can tell you, I am not going to stop pursuing Him.

I plan on sharing my discoveries here. I have a lot of stuff I already want to share. Even if no one reads this blog, I intend on using it as my own journey journal. A place to collect and process my thoughts and feelings. I would love for you to come along and share your perspectives as well. Company always makes a journey more fun!

WORSHIP

2012-01-12T23:43:00.002-05:00

What is worship? Well, here is one definition:

Worship - verb. To feel an adoring reference or regard to _________.

Clearly, you can fill that blank with many things. Unfortunately, in our world today, we have chosen to fill that blank with everything under the sun, except for the Son.

That alone is a post in and of itself, however, today I want to focus on the act of worship. What does it mean to you? In what ways do you worship our Risen Savior?

You see, I believe there is no one way. I believe worship can be many things to many people. To some, it is being alone, quiet before Him. Yet to others, it is singing to the top of their lungs with their hands raised. There is no right or wrong way.

Something happened recently that really made me stop and think. In fact, I will be honest to say that this incident made me angry. More than angry though, it made me sad.

Most of you know that my husband, Brad, is the Associate Pastor of Worship at our church. I am telling you this story not because of him. In fact, he really has nothing to do with the why I felt the way I did. Just a little "set up" to this story is needed - our church has a full praise band and team. Every Sunday morning, they lead us in "worship". While we are a Baptist church, our worship service does not look like your typical Baptist service. We use lights, cameras, instruments, projections, etc...

Brad, the praise band/team, as well as the audio visual team, are always looking for ways to do more creatively. To be quite honest, these guys are really good at what they do. To them, their creativity and God given talents are the way they worship. Their creativity is off the hook - and I truly believe Jesus gave them their abilities because it reaches people. The worship they lead us in every Sunday, reaches people in ways otherwise not possible.

So here is what happened. The worship teams decided to rearrange the stage a bit. The idea was to make it more functional and more appealing as a set. They bought some risers for a few of the instruments. These risers are not only functional, they are also stinkin' cool. They have panels in the front with lights in them. Now, don't get me wrong, when I say lights, I don't mean strobe lights or anything of the kind. They are simply meant to just add a little something to the stage. When the lights are on, they are one color and remain that color through-out. No blinking, or crazy disco type stuff (not that, that is wrong in anyway. I am just saying these particular lights do not do that.). We use colored lights in the background, as well as on the stage in general.

Well, here is where it gets ugly. These risers have been quite controversial. In fact, it has gotten way out of hand. I have seen sides of people that have shocked me. Comments that have been made have really hurt my heart. To get in such an uproar over lighted risers really makes me question the heart of the church.

Let me explain myself - I understand completely that we all worship differently. To some, the music time is when they most feel connected to Jesus and the service. To others, it's the preaching. Neither aspect is more important than the other, we all connect in different ways. I completely understand that the lights on the risers, or the risers themselves, may not be something everyone enjoys. I guarantee though, if people came into the service with their bad attitude left at home and found something in the service they did like, they wouldn't miss the blessing that church is. I can't believe if you come into the service with anger or annoyance in your heart over anything, that you are going to feel the presence of our Lord.

Many people believe that the creative arts stuff is not necessary because it isn't something they enjoy or understand. But, what about the people that truly worship God through it? Or better yet, what about the people that are bringing their talents and creativity to the Lord as an offering?

I guess what I am trying to say is if we all came to church less worried about our own wants and desires, and came with our hearts and minds open to letting God use whatever our worship service included, we sure would feel better. I guarantee if you leave your "self" at home, you will leave blessed.

There is a Casting Crowns song that really comes to mind here. I will share the lyrics with you - I think it sums up exactly what I am trying to say.

City on a Hill

Did you hear of the city on the hill?
Said one old man to the other
It once shined bright and it would be shining still
But they all started turning on each other

You see, the poets thought the dancers were shallow
And the soldiers thought the poets were weak
And the elders saw the young ones as foolish
And the rich man never heard the poor man speak

And one by one, they ran away
With their made up minds, to leave it all behind
And the light began to fade, in the city on the hill
The city on the hill

Each one thought that they knew better
That they were different by design
Instead of standing strong together
They let their differences divide

And one by one, they ran away
With their made up minds, to leave it all behind
And the light began to fade, in the city on the hill
The city on the hill

And the world is searching still
But it was the rhythm of the dancers
That gave the poets life
It was the spirit of the poets
That gave the soldiers strength to fight
It was the fire of the young ones
It was the wisdom of the old
It was the story of the poor man
That needed to be told

It is the rhythm of the dancers
That gives the poets life
It is the spirit of the poets
That gives the soldiers strength to fight
It is the fire of the young ones
It is the wisdom of the old
It is the story of the poor man
That's needing to be told

One by one, we'll be running away
With our made up minds to leave it all behind
As the light begins to fade, in the city on the hill
The city on the hill

One by one, we'll be running away
With our made up minds, to leave it all behind
As the light begins to fade, in the city on the hill
The city on the hill

Come home
And the Father's calling still
Come home
To the city on the hill
Come home

GOD STORY, PART 2

2012-01-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, yes, there is more!

While I was meeting with Shane last week, he said, "Hey, I am going to Singapore right after China, why don't you come with me there too?" I laughed and told him there was no way I could do both. After our meeting, I came home and got in contact with my trusty travel guy. I gave him the dates and cities, and for kicks, I asked him how much extra it would cost to add a stopover in Singapore.

Knowing that it would be outrageous, I really didn't give it much thought. A little bit later, my travel guy calls to tell me that adding in Singapore added $50 to the ticket! Isn't that crazy? So I talk to Brad and he said go for it! YAY! So, I am going to Singapore too!

Here is where it gets funny - I have a friend that is from Singapore. I emailed her asking her some basic questions and told her about the church where my cousin was speaking. She replied saying that the pastor of that church and his wife are good friends of hers! LOLLL! She said there are approximately 4 million people in Singapore and we will be meeting her friends? SO funny!

At first I wanted to take Jackson with me. He seemed really excited, but when I told him that we would be gone 2 weeks, he said he didn't want to go. He is such a home body. So I asked Julianna - of course she was secretly hoping Jackson would back out so she could go. LOL. I really thought about going alone, but Shane will be busy, and I really wanted someone to hang out with. So, once again, my baby girl and me are headed to China!

This is such an opportunity, and I am so excited. I really can't wait to see how God is going to work! I am looking forward to being in China again - without the stress or pressure of the adoption. I am looking forward to seeing new places. And I can't wait to spend so much time with my sweet family!

GOD STORY

2012-01-11T01:23:00.001-05:00

Ok, remember in my last blog post I said I had a GOD STORY to share? Oh it's a doozy! Y'all, I am serious, only my precious Father could have orchestrated this! Ok, here goes.....

Little bit of background... I come from a pretty big family, and growing up we were all close. My mom's brother has two sons - Shane and Jonathan. When we were little, we were pretty close. As we grew up, we maintained that relationship. Even in our late teens, early twenties we hung out a lot.

Unfortunately, I lost touch with them when I moved away in 2000. I kept up with them and what they were up to through my mom, but I didn't have much contact with them myself. Ok, change directions and fast forward a bit...

You guys know that I was really struggling this fall. I remember the week before Halloween being particularly bad. Brad and I had many "heated" discussions those days about our adoption journey. My heart was broken and he knew that, but he felt confident that we were suppose to step back and reassess things.

I never shared this, but it such a huge part of this story. On Wednesday, October 26th, Brad said he needed to talk to me. I knew that meant something big. Let me first say, Brad is truly, one of the most Godly men I know. If he says God spoke to him, you better believe He spoke. So he tells me that the night before, he was having trouble sleeping. He said he was really struggling with losing our referral and trying to make sense of the whole mess of our adoption. He decided to get up and pray. He really sought God that night, and pleaded with Him to open his eyes to what we were suppose to do. He felt let to a certain passage in the bible. He read it, and he said he really felt God speaking to his heart - what he had to say was not easy for me to hear. At first, I didn't want to accept it. As the days went by, then the weeks, and now months, I can see it so clearly myself. That alone can only be Divine as well.

Anyway, Brad said that he truly believed that God impressed this on his heart: Our journey was something we had to go through. Otherwise, we would have never learned to trust Him in such big ways. We had to see that He would be faithful. We had to see that He would be our Provider. We had to see that He makes the impossible, possible. Only Him. Only His power. We had to go through that as preparation. For what? We don't know exactly yet. Brad just said it is bigger than anything we have ever done. This "big thing" is going to require blind faith and trust like never before. And then he said, "Michele, I believe His will has been accomplished. I believe we have done what He asked of us, and now He has a new direction for us. Something bigger. What if we aren't suppose to help just one? What if we are suppose to help many?"

As I sat there listening to him, tears streaming down myself, I felt like my heart had literally broken into a million pieces. I wept like I have never wept before. Gosh, tears sting my eyes now just remembering the anguish that day... pain that still grips my heart. The next few days were awful. How could it be done? How could the journey be over? How could I ever give up on this little girl that has lived in my heart for so long? The truth is, I never could do those things. Only His grace has gotten me through each day.

I am not giving up on her, just so you know. But, I am going to be faithful to my Lord, and for now, He has set my feet on a new path.

So are you wondering how my cousins play into this story? Ok, this is the good part!

On November 2nd, I got a friend request on Facebook. I don't get them often, so I was surprised to see that little "1" up at the top of my page. I click on it, and it is a request from Shane! I was so excited! So I immediately accept it and post a message on his wall. Within minutes, he sent me a message privately.

We chatted for a bit and we said how we would love to see each other. It had been years! I knew that he was doing ministry work, and a lot of times it was out of the country. He sent me to his website to check out his calendar see if I was going to be anywhere near where he would be in the coming months. I went to his website, Shane Willard Ministries to check it out. It took me like a second to see that he was going to be in China for a week in April. I sent him a message telling him that I was so jealous that he was going to be in China! I told him how much I love it, and how I feel I left my heart there.

Meanwhile, before Shane messaged me back, I went to talk to Brad. I told him that I had just reconnected with Shane and how excited I was! I then told him that Shane was going to China in April and I was going with him, even though he didn't know yet. Brad just looked at me and said, "Ok." HAHA! I think he knew better than to even try to fight me, after his last few days with Psycho Michele.

So just a few minutes after that, I get a message back from Shane that said "Come with me! I would love for you to join me!" ACK! He typically travels alone, and seemed really excited to have company! Now at this point, I am thinking this is just a cool little "fluke" and it would be neat to really go with him. In my mind, I am thinking, while he works, I could sightsee! Fun, right? Well, then he tells me, "I will be there speaking at a staff retreat for International China Concern. They are a non profit foundation that has given their lives to care for special needs orphans (italics mine)."

Y'all. I was floored. My mind started racing! So I did a little bit of research and International China Concern is this awesome foundation that does wonderful work in China. They send teams into the orphanages to volunteer.

Do you guys see where this is going? I ended up meeting Shane in Charleston over New Years. We had a great time catching up. I shared my heart with him about China and orphans. He said, "Michele, the president of ICC will be at this retreat. He would be someone to talk to if you want to get involved."

Seriously. Seriously?

I honestly feel like my heart may burst with excitement. I am going to CHINA!!!!!!!

I don't know what will happen there. I don't know what Jesus wants to accomplish through this. I can tell you though, I am suppose to be there. I am suppose to go with an open heart and an open mind. He is working!

Isn't that the coolest story? Seriously, all of that took place in a matter of a few days. Since then, I feel my hope building. I feel the darkness breaking to light. It's like I have a purpose again. I will still get to be in China, loving on people, being His hands and feet.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Maybe one day, I will bring home a little girl. I am certainly not burning any bridges. But for now? For now, I am content going where He tells me to go. Yay for me, it just happens to be CHINA!

LOOKING UP

2012-01-07T23:28:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the silence. It hasn't been that I haven't wanted to write, I just never could seem to focus my thoughts long enough to do it. I also didn't want to share how much my heart was hurting. I knew if I blogged, it would be very hard to hide it.

But, here I am. January 2012. A new year, a new beginning. I can say that I feel better these days. October, November and much of December were pretty dark for me. I am beginning to see the Light again, and I am very grateful for that.

After much prayer and discussion, we are putting our adoption on hold indefinitely. As much as it hurts my heart (and I can't even put into words just how much), I am beginning to accept it. I do believe we is what we are suppose to do.

I know that these last 3 years had purpose. As I look back, I can clearly see God's hand in all of it. I do believe we were on the right path. Because of the journey He brought us on, I learned to trust Him more. I learned that He provides, comforts, prepares, protects. Maybe without that journey, I wouldn't have known Him the way I do now.

I also believe that He used us to bring two precious girls to their forever families. Those little girls were never meant to be mine, but I am humbled and honored that He chose us to help make a way for them to come home. They will always hold a very dear place in my heart. I am so grateful that they both will be raised in a Christian home, with families that will love them and protect them.

I know that Jesus is doing something new and something big. He has drawn my heart to China for as long as I can remember, and I clearly have a heart for orphans. Maybe this whole journey prepared a way for me to do something else. Maybe I was never meant to care for ONE orphan, but to help care for MANY. Maybe we are suppose to go to them, instead of bringing just her to us.

I do have a huge GOD story, but it deserves a post of its own. I will share it soon. If you will continue to pray for us, I would be so grateful. We aren't burning any bridges - we aren't withdrawing our adoption paperwork. We are just waiting for Jesus to show us what He is doing. We will join Him wherever he leads.

LIFE

2011-11-19T22:36:00.000-05:00

I have to interrupt my 30 days of Thankfulness (or three days as it were) to share something miraculous.

Since the middle of October, I have been on a downward spiral. It began with withdrawing our paperwork for the sweet baby girl we hoped would be our daughter.

Since then, it has been absolutely downhill for me. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. It's been bad, y'all. This week, I honestly was at the end of myself.

I am the kind of person that is easily consumed with things. Once my mind settles on it, that is it. As hard as I try to avoid "triggers", all it takes is a comment or a fleeting thought and it becomes rooted in my very soul.

This week, my littlest boy Jameson, had a headache. He thought it was from hitting his head, but now I really think it was a migraine. He even saw weird flashing lights. Y'all, when he said, "Mommy, look at the colored dots!", I thought I was going to vomit. The next day, I took him to the doctor and then he had a CT scan of his head. He is totally fine, and has been ever since. But, that was all it took - my trigger. Even though I knew my baby was ok, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear for all my whole family. I let those thoughts take root in my spirit, and once it was there, there was no letting it go on my own.

On Wednesday, I was doing my bible study (right now I am doing James, Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore.) and she was talking about how we can choose LIFE or DEATH. The whole time I was studying, I had those nagging thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of something being wrong physically with me or my children. Scary thoughts. I kept trying to push them away. I know that Jesus is not the author of fear, and I was letting fear rule me. Well, at the very end of the study, Beth referenced Deuteronomy 30:19-20:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may liveand that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

I was so humbled. I knew then that I really needed to let the fear go. I needed to choose LIFE. Satan has been on my back, that is for sure. But I can't let him stay there. If I continue down the path I have been on, ultimately, I am choosing DEATH.

I have one more thought. A while back I heard something that was profound to me. It literally shook me to the core. I was at a Casting Crowns concert (love them!) and Mark Hall shared this about the Samaritan woman that met Jesus at the well:

The woman thought she was talking to a man she had met standing at the well. But ultimately, she was standing at a hole in the ground and she was talking to The Well.

Jesus is The Well. He possesses living water. The only water than can truly quench our thirst. If you are thirsty today, please consider The Well. Casting Crowns has a new song called "The Well". I encourage you to take a minute and read the lyrics. It is truly life changing.

Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, Leave it all behind, I have what you need, But you keep on searchin, I've done all the work, But you keep on workin, When you're runnin on empty, And you can't find the remedy, Just come to the well. You can spend your whole life, Chasin what's missing, But that empty inside, It just ain't gonna listen. When nothing can satisfy, And the world leaves you high and dry, Just come to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well So bring me your heart No matter how broken, Just come as you are, When your last prayer is spoken, Rest in My arms a while, You'll feel the change my child, When you come to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well Yeah Leave it all behind The world will try, but it can never fill... leave it all behind And now that you're full, Of love beyond measure, Your joy's gonna flow, Like a stream in the desert, Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me, Cuz you came to the well CHORUS: And all who thirst will thirst no more, And all who search will find what their souls long for, The world will try, but it can never fill, So leave it all behind, and come to the well Outro: leave it all behind, leave it all behind... repeat

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 3

2011-11-03T21:51:00.001-04:00

Yikes. I am a bit behind. Never fear, I can catch up.

Today, I am thankful for Starbucks. Specifically, Peppermint White Chocolate Mochas. It's just one of those things. Comfort in a cup.

We don't live in a town with a Starbucks (don't even get me started on that. Seriously.), so it's a treat when I do get to go. When I take that first sip of my PWCM- it's like there is a physical reaction. I just feel like burdens melt away for a moment.

Yes, I understand that is superficial. Don't judge me. I am also aware that the PWCM is like eleventy bajillion calories. Don't care about that either.

I just love it.

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 2

2011-11-02T00:00:00.001-04:00

Since I was late getting my first thankful post up, there will be two for today.

Day Two:

I am thankful for my children (obviously!). However, this post isn't about being thankful for having them, but rather being thankful for who they are.

I am just so proud of their hearts. The each have such sweet spirits. We always talk about good character traits and making right choices, and I can tell you - they get it. They truly desire to live a life that exhibits the fruit of the spirit.

I think about myself as an 8 year old, and I can tell you - I did not think about living a life that reflects the Son with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. I thought about myself and my own happiness. My heart didn't break for "the least of these". I didn't think about the orphan or widow. I certainly didn't live to please the Father.

However, my children truly seek to live righteous lives. I am not saying all of this to say that my kids are perfect. Not even close. I am just saying that they try. They are aware of these things, and they try to live a life that is fruitful. And honestly, when they fail, they are repentant. They understand that to be repentant it's more than saying sorry. It's saying sorry and turning from that behavior or wrong doing.

They are 8, 6 and 4 - children! Yet, they have found and chosen the narrow path (Matt 7:14). And don't even get me started on their faith! Oh to have the unwavering faith they have!

I am so thankful and so proud of them! God has big plans for them, and I can't wait to see what He will do with their lives!

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 1

2011-11-01T22:14:00.001-04:00

So I have had (had? Yeah right.) my pity party, I am moving on to all the reasons I have to be thankful. I have decided that for every day in November, I am going to write a post sharing something I am thankful for in my life.

So here is November 1st:

I am so thankful that God chose Brad to by my husband. He is such a godly husband and father. We recently saw the movie Courageous. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. You will laugh, cry, and more importantly, leave challenged. The movie is about a group of men that realize they aren't being the godly husband and fathers God intended them to be. I know fathers' that have shared that this movie was a wake up call for them, and praise Jesus for that. However, I can say with 100% honesty that Brad lives that life already.

He is so many things to me. I can't imagine my life without him, and I pray I never do. I look forward to growing old with him and spending the rest of my days at his side!

OCTOBER

2011-10-31T23:18:00.000-04:00

Only an hour and a half left in October 2011. Can I tell you how freakin' happy I will be to see it leave? Yeah, very. The shared list released tonight - funny thing, turns out it actually sucks more not waiting on a call, than it does waiting on the phone to ring.

Ok, rant over. I am moving on to why October was awesome.

We decided to sign our boys up for karate. We have tried to be so diligent to save money over the last couple of years for our adoption, we didn't do a lot of extra curricular activities with the kids. With them being home schooled, we really felt it was important to get them out of the house and with other kids. Jackson has been asking about karate for a while, so we thought that would be a good fit.

Of course Jameson wanted to "play karate", too. So they officially started last week. They *love* it! I got to sit in on their classes and it was so great. I really think Jackson will benefit from the discipline and focus. It seems perfect for an 8 year old boy. And, I have to say, seeing Jameson in his little uniform brought back some memories... Check it out:

My Sweet Baby

Johnny, from the original Karate Kid

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh that kills me. Too funny. The whole time I was watching Jameson in his class I kept looking for Mr. Miyagi or Daniel!

Here are my boys together. Love them!

Julianna decided that she wanted to do art lessons. We have tried a few things with her, but she never really seemed to find "her thing". I have to say, I think art is going to be it. She loves creating. She had her first lesson this afternoon, and she had the greatest time! Today was the greatest day of her life, lol! She got new barbies (thanks Gus and Gigi for the halloween money), new art class, and trick or treating! Ahh... to be a 6 year old again. I didn't take photos of her at her class, so I will share a couple of halloween photos instead!

It is so sweet to see them so happy, doing something they really enjoy. They are such good kids. They have been so giving and humble during the last couple of years. It makes me feel good to seem the smiles on their little faces. They deserve it!

A BREAK

2011-10-28T22:49:00.000-04:00

The last three weeks have been incredibly difficult. I have literally been brought to my knees, begging God to fix all the things that were (are) broken.

I know that He is faithful. I know He is trustworthy. He has a plan for my life, for my family. Even though we are going through a very difficult season.

We have been really struggling since deciding that we couldn't move forward with our referral. I am just not sure where we stand and what it all means. Not to mention all the other things that have come up.

It's all just too much. We have decided to take a little break from our adoption journey. We just need to step away from it for a bit. With all of the other stuff we are dealing with, we just can't do it all.

Please pray for us during this season. I will continue to blog - but be forewarned! It will be a lot of fun, sweet posts about my family. I am going to be doing a lot of snuggling, playing, and making up for lost time with my babies and my hubby. They haven't gotten the best of me lately. And you know what? They deserve my very best.

I am putting my pain, my stress, my uncertainty, my bad attitude, our adoption, our future, and everything else that is sucking the life out of me at my Savior's feet. I am giving it to him. And for the first time in a long time, I am walking away.

EVER JUST NEED A GOOD CRY?

2011-10-19T23:31:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm there. It just seems like everything happens at once. Let me run down the last week -

*Found out that we couldn't move forward with the referral we received.
*Found out my mom fell down an entire flight of stairs.
*Julianna gets sick.
*Water company calls - it "appears" we have a leak.
*After investigating, we do have a leak. We just don't know where.
*Our dog has been sick.

Seriously. It's enough to make a person looney. Along with all of that comes worry for me. I am just naturally a worrier. I try not to be, I just can't help it.

I am worried about my mom. She really messed up her foot. I am really worried about why/how she fell. Did she just lose her footing? Or, did she black out? She has a strong family history of brain aneurysms (her mom and two sisters), and it just makes me worry. She promises me that she just tripped - it was dark and she recalls it all happening even though she was unconscious when she reached the bottom. Other than her foot, she really seems fine now though.

Julianna is better, thank goodness. I just hate it when one of my babies gets sick.

We aren't sure about the leak yet. It appears to be outside, there are no indications that it is in the house. We do have an area of our yard that stays wet. So it is probably there. My worry is how much is it going to cost to fix it?

And don't get me started on the adoption stuff. Ugh.

I think a good cry would do me some good.

REMEMBER THE RAM?

2011-10-13T22:54:00.001-04:00

Remember this post, Sweet Words from a Sweet God? Well, humbly, I can say He has spoken to my heart again. Funny, how He works sometimes.

I, again, got an email with a devotional a few days ago from Proverbs 31 Ministries. For some reason, I didn't even open the email until tonight. I was getting ready for bed, quietly talking to my Savior. My heart has been so burdened lately. I feel like I am walking in the dark, trying to feel my way around. It's just been a sad, soul searching week for me. I was sharing my heart in my prayer, pleading with Jesus to give me some direction. I needed a clear word from Him, not my own emotions and feelings.

So I sat down with my laptop and decided to open the devotional from the other day. I am just going to copy and paste it here. It was exactly what I needed to hear:

“Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island.” Acts 27:26 (NIV)

Have you ever been going along, intent in your calling, certain of your direction, sure of God’s goodness, only to have something happen that throws you completely off course?

When my husband and I resolved to become financially sound, we were dismayed to quickly have an appliance break, shelling out the entire emergency fund we’d built up to repair it. Instead of moving forward we were going backwards.

We had two choices to make at that moment: thank God that we had the money to cover the repair or doubt God’s sovereignty in allowing the appliance to break.

In the book of Acts, chapter twenty-seven, Paul tells the people he is traveling with that God has called them to their mission. Not only that, he is certain the Holy Spirit is on their side. And yet, for reasons he doesn’t go into, we read in our key verse that he also tells them they must run aground, which means they’d be delayed on some island before their purpose would be accomplished.

This delay, it turns out, is part of the plan. This setback is actually sovereign. But of course at that moment they can’t see that. All they can see is a looming shipwreck, a deserted island.

Perhaps you are on your own deserted island—a personal exile that has been painful and prolonged. You wonder if God sees where you are, if He cares. You remember the time you were moving along, the wind in your sails, full speed ahead. And you miss that time. You wish God would rescue you from the island, put you back on course. Perhaps you’re beginning to doubt God really does have a plan for you.

I don’t know what your deserted island looks like. It might be the desolation of a marriage, the barren land of motherhood, the wasteland of a career. It might be the emptiness of simply not knowing what your purpose—your passion—really is, even as you watch other women seem to steam forward.

When I start to feel this way, I think about this verse. I remember that even Paul ran aground, even Paul faced setbacks. But I also remember that the island wasn’t the end of the story. Rescue was coming. Running aground doesn’t mean you’ve run outside of God’s will. It might just mean you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Use this time to increase your trust in God and to see Him work on your behalf, even when the palm trees obscure your view.

Thank you Lord for my setback. Thank you that through this setback, I will know you better. You have a plan, even if I can't see it. You are faithful. You are trustworthy. You are working mightily on our behalf. I will rest in you.

**edited to add - so I decided to read Acts 27, want to know the verse before the one in my devotional? It's a good one!

25 Therefore keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in Godt that it will be just as I have been told.

Woo HOO! I love it when He speaks to me!

MOUNTAINS

2011-09-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

As time goes on, I become more and more aware of the giant mountains in front of me. I thought that all of the mountains were gone. Naively, I thought that once we began our adoption journey for the second time, it would be smooth sailing. I thought it would all fall into place, because after all that happened, we deserved it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We can't "buy" good times, just because we endured bad times. Unfortunately, when we left China without Xiao Xiao, little did I know our bad times were just beginning. Exactly a year ago today I wrote this post, Frantic. Here I am a year later feeling the exact same way - except worse. Today, I am more aware of all the obstacles and fears that invade my every thought:

*Fear that we will never find our Jocelyn Willa.
*Fear of timing.
*Obstacle of finances (we are still way short).
*Fear of losing my sanity from all of this.

Seriously, it is beginning to feel like the walls are closing in on me. How in the world are we ever going to overcome all of that?

Truth is, we can't. In my own power I can do nothing. I do not stand a chance. I do not have the power to overcome all of that on my own. Are the odds against us? Absolutely. I do not have authority over the CCCWA. I do not have endless amounts of money.

But, I know someone who does. I have a Father that can MOVE MOUNTAINS just by speaking. My Father has authority over Heaven and Earth - and that means the Ch*nese Government, too. You know what else? My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10).

When we do finally receive Jocelyn in our arms (because we will!) - you know what? It will be only because of Jesus' power. His authority. His finances. He alone will receive the glory! And you know what else? That makes every minute, every doubt, every hardship of this wait worth it!

HE MOVES MOUNTAINS!

HOME

2011-09-17T20:11:00.001-04:00

Well, we actually have been home since Tuesday. I have been busy fall cleaning. I am not sure why, but I couldn't wait to get home and embrace FALL! Cooler temps, pumpkin pie candles, soup, fall decorations - you know, all the great things that come this time of year.

Not much else going on. Unfortunately. Actually, that isn't entirely true.

On our trip Brad tells me that he doesn't love the name Willa. Um, ok. LOL. He said it's ok, but he agreed to it because he knows how dear it is to me. So, I asked him what he wanted to name our baby girl. Without hesitating, he said, "Jocelyn." We have talked about that name before. In fact, we considered it for Jameson, before we knew he was a boy - that was a long time ago!

So after a lot of discussion, we have decided that our little Chinese treasure will officially be named Jocelyn Willa. I truly love that name, and I love that it is a J name, just like my other little treasures.

But, the best part? The giddy look on my sweet husband's face when we made it official. It truly makes my heart smile to know that our little girl was named by her daddy. Her BaBa. Love. It!

Oh, one more thing - could you pray for us these next few days? We need a lot of prayer about something specific, I just can't give the details here. Jesus knows though. If you have just a minute, would you please pray that God will move in a mighty way, and that His will, will be done in a specific matter for us? THANK YOU!

A LITTLE GET AWAY

2011-09-06T20:18:00.000-04:00

Ahh... relaxation... It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? Brad has a work conference this week in Orlando. At first, I just assumed that he could come alone, while I stayed home with the kids. With us saving every free penny for our adoption, there was just no way we could plan a trip to Orlando.

I told Brad I would help make arrangements for him. You know, back in the pre-adoption days, we would come down to Orlando a couple times a year. I know my way around here better than I know my way around the town I live in!

Anyway, I started looking for hotels and such. Brad had a set conference budget, so it was important to stretch his money as far as it would go. The hotel that is hosting the conference was offering rooms for $129 a night. I knew I could do better than that. So I got busy, and I actually found him a condo to rent for $62 a night! The beauty of that? It is a three bedroom condo! So we decided that we would all come. We could hang out at the condo, just as easily as we could hang out at our house. So here we are!

We started planning this trip months ago. Since we knew that we were coming, we decided to use our Disney Visa like a check card to accumulate points. We were very careful to pay off each transaction, and use it just like we would a debit card. Right after we decided to do that, we got a promotion in the mail offering like 3 times the rewards. So we racked up the points! We ended up with enough to do something really fun while we are here. We aren't 100% sure what that will be yet. Brad is tied up all day tomorrow, but he will be free some on Thursday. Then on Friday, his conference is over at noon. That evening, my in-laws are coming to spend the weekend here with us. I am so excited. We always have a great time with them.

It really feels good to get away from "life" for a little bit. We just got here today. I went to the grocery store and bought us food. For dinner, the kids had a lunchable and I had a can of soup. You know what? It was delicious ! LOL! Now I am sitting here with my laptop, resting and enjoying just being here. Plus, my kids were so beat, they went to bed at 7:30! It's so quiet!

I am not sure what we will be doing tomorrow. The condo we are staying at has a really nice pool. We had to close our pool at home because the water temp was just too cold. So, the kids are looking forward to swimming here. Maybe I will drag my kids to Ikea. HAHA. Whatever we end up doing, I am just glad that we are here.

I really needed some away time. Life has been hard for a while. I am looking forward to enjoying my children and enjoying my favorite city on Earth!

SWEET WORDS FROM A SWEET GOD

2011-09-03T22:01:00.003-04:00

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this story. I have no excuse. LOL.

edited to add - this post got long! Sorry! Read it through, if you have a minute. It is a good one. Hopefully one that will encourage you in your time of discouragement!

After Monday night came and went with no call, I was pretty down. Actually, Monday night wasn't even done yet and I was down. Went to bed teary, woke up teary. I was really struggling with some self doubt. As I fell asleep that night, my mind was going crazy....

Have I made a mistake?
Maybe God never spoke to me at all.
If we are on the right path, why has it gone so wrong?
Why did we seem to be on the only family on the planet that wasn't getting a call?
What if there wasn't a Willa after all?

The doubts and questions just kept coming. Before I went to bed, I asked Brad what he thought. Could we be totally blind and this wasn't what God was asking of us after all? He told me he didn't really believe that. He asked me if I thought my heart would be so burdened for Willa if we were on the wrong path? I didn't think so, but I really was beginning to wonder. I did tell him that the thought of giving up hurt my heart more than the thought of waiting month after month (which hurts pretty dang bad in and of itself). It was a pretty rough night.

Let me say, just to clarify, I never, not for a second doubted my God. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. I was doubting myself. What if my own desires were clouding God's desires for us? I was never doubting Him.

Anyway, when I woke up on Tuesday, it wasn't any better. I cried off and on all morning. In the early afternoon, we were on our way home from an errand and I decided to call my mom and cry to her. She is always willing to listen and encourage. I was spilling my heart out to her, sharing all of the doubts above. All of a sudden, my son (8 years old) says from the backseat of the van, "Mom, you are doing what you are meant to be doing." I told my mom to hang on a sec, and I turned to him and asked him to repeat himself. I heard him just fine, but I wanted to know what he meant. He was sitting looking away from me, his eyes never met mine, his voice never changed, and he said, "You are doing what Jesus wants you to be doing." I sat there for a second, kind of floored. He doesn't offer words of wisdom very much, but I have to tell you, that's the second time that kid has blown me away.

I told my mom and she immediately said, "Michele, there's your answer right there! God used that baby to speak to you. You have to know that." I couldn't agree more. In my moment of absolute heart break, He used my child, His child, to minister to me. To encourage me.

As soon as I got home, I checked my email (I actually had checked it on my phone about 30 minutes earlier) and I had a devotion waiting for me from Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was titled, "A Ram Is On The Way". Intrigued, I opened it. As I sat there reading, tears filled my eyes. Jesus was speaking to me again. Confirming the words from Jack and confirming the truths in my heart.

The whole devotion was about hopelessness. Are you in a situation that seems hopeless (YES!)? It went on to tell about Abraham and Isaac. In case you don't know the story, Abraham and Sarah had prayed for a child for a very long time. Finally, in their old age (oh LORD, please don't let me find Willa in my old age! LOL!), God blessed them with a son, Isaac.

One day, God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac as an offering to Him. Without question, Abraham was obedient. He packed up his things, along with Isaac and started up the mountain to sacrifice him to the Lord. The devotion pointed out that while Abraham was obedient, surely his heart was breaking. Surely he couldn't understand why he had to sacrifice Isaac. He just took each step up that mountain in absolute faith and obedience. I can't imagine what must have been going through his mind.

What he didn't realize was God was there. He had a plan. A plan that Abraham could not see. God, saw the beginning and the end. He was preparing a way. He was working. On the other side of that mountain, at the exact time Abraham and Isaac were making their way up, was a ram. A plan. When Abraham got to the top and was about to sacrifice his son, and angel of the Lord stopped him. He then saw the ram entangled in the thicket. A replacement for the sacrifice.

His faith and trust paid off. Even when his heart was about to break in two, he was obedient. Did he have doubts? I would say so - what man wouldn't? But God had a plan. He was making preparations all along so that Abraham didn't have to sacrifice Isaac.

My ram is on the way. His plan. His provision. He is working. And soon, my ram will come and we will see His faithfulness. We will see His glory.

I happened to look at the time stamp of that email. It said 9:30 am. I got it at 2:00. I checked at 1:30, and it was not there. It came exactly 10 minutes after Jackson shared with me in the car. Just the confirmation that I needed. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

My ram is on the way!

By the way, if you want to read the story (and believe me, you want to read the story) of Abraham and Isaac for yourself, it can be found in Genesis 22.

HOW HE LOVES

2011-08-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you for the prayers. We did not receive a call last night. On to next month. Actually I have a really good story to share, but I have to get off the computer. I will share it tomorrow. For today though, I want to share my current favorite song. It is especially dear to me today, when I have needed to hear just how He loves me.

*disclaimer* I was hesitant to share this actual video because .... well, honestly, I don't need to stare at David Crowder's face for 4 minutes and I am sure you don't need to either. LOL. However, the song is just so good, you have to watch. Or at least listen. When you are watching though, try not to be jealous of David's slammin fro. Somehow, I don't think you will be.

24 HOURS

2011-08-28T19:51:00.000-04:00

In twenty four hours, the list will release. This time tomorrow my agency representative may be looking at the face of my little girl. Oh the excitement and anticipation of it is almost too much.

But here's the thing - tomorrow may be just like every time, with no Willa on the list. I know I will be so sad, but I also know there is a bigger picture. Bottom line, if we do not receive a call, my daughter wasn't on the list. One day she will be. One day, my phone will ring. My hearts desire is that it is tomorrow, but if it isn't, I still trust Jesus. He is never late!

I want to share a poem with you that my sweet friend Cheryl (also praying for a call tomorrow! If they get a call and we get a call, there is a good chance we could travel together! Wouldn't that be a HUGE God thing?) gave me.

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".
"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait.
"So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting.... for what?" He seemed, then, to kneel,
and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you wan t~~ but, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams or your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT".

ALL OVER THE PLACE

2011-08-24T21:25:00.002-04:00

I do not feel stable. LOL. I have gone from weepy hot mess to numb and indifferent. It started when I found my old scrap books under the couch. Just flipping though, I was over come with emotion. Just such sweet memories there. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Tears flowed, and honestly, have flowed since.

I really think the tears were just a combination of many different things. It's clearly been building. I think a part of it is the anticipation of the list (with the current available waiting children) that is suppose to come out Monday night. Just knowing it's coming, then the realization that this month will probably be just like the other months with no call.

Then I keep thinking of how short we are financially. I did lower the amount needed because I think I over estimated for airfare. I hope so anyway. I also had to use some of our savings for some unexpected expenses. So we are basically still where we were, but I look at our little fundraising bar and sheer panic sets in.

Then I realize it's a complete moot point because we have not received a referral. I don't need money to travel if there is no little girl to travel for....

Then I cry again. It's a vicious cycle.

Don't get me wrong, I am still trusting my sweet Jesus. In fact a few weeks ago, I really prayed that He would guide me in a decision regarding our adoption. I was struggling with wondering what to do and I specifically asked Him to show me what to do. The very next morning, I had an answer. I don't want to go into specifics here, but that day after my prayer, I received just the answer that I was looking for. Jesus confirmed what I felt in my spirit in a very distinctive way. Then I got an encouraging email for our agency, that I took as another answer from Him. Bottom line - it is 100% in His hands. Not in America World's hands, not in mine. His. Then last night I heard such a sweet song about adoption. Some of the lyrics really stood out to me:

When we cannot see you moving

When it seems the dark has won

May you find us still believing

That you want this more than us

You will finish what you started

And your plans for us are good

Help us cling to what you promised

It is so easy to have a pity party for myself. It is so easy to wallow in despair and doubt. That comes easy for me. What takes work is believing, trusting, having faith. It have to keep reminding myself that He can be trusted. Just because He isn't working on MY time table doesn't mean He isn't working.

I have to trust that. Will you please lift our family up in prayer if you have a minute? Please pray that He reveals Willa to us SOON. My heart may just break in two if He doesn't.

SUCH LOVE

2011-08-19T12:44:00.000-04:00

It seems that Brad and I have gotten into the bad habit of never going to bed at the same time. Usually he falls asleep on the couch at like 8 (haha, he is so old), then stays up late watching SportsCenter. I usually go to bed by 11. Well, last night, we actually went to bed at the same time.

Here is the conversation that took place just before we fell asleep:

Me: Brad, I've been thinking and I've decided I need you to start calling me by a "pet name". I don't want you to call me Michele anymore. I was thinking something sweet - like babe, honey, angel, love - you know something really sweet.

Brad: Um. OK. How about crazy? or coocoo?

Me: (After I gasped, then pinched him) RUDE!

Brad: I can't help it if you are a freak show. Oh! Freak show! That would be a good one!

Me: Have I told you today that I hate you?

Brad: Nope. Not today.

Me: Then if not, I do. I hate you.

He thought that was the funniest thing ever. LOL! Such sweetness in my man!

We both joke like that all the time with each other. We don't mean a word of it. It's just the way we are. Fortunately, its the way we both are. God really knew what he was doing when he paired us up. I just thought I would share this story, just in case someone over hears him call me "freak show". Don't think bad of him - it's his way of calling me something sweet!

BWAHAHA!

FILTH

2011-08-14T20:13:00.000-04:00

Apparently, the six years I have lived in a somewhat rural area of NC (actually becoming less and less rural every day!!) has shelter me. We do not have a mall, so it isn't very often that I go to one. Yesterday, I met my mom and step dad at a mall in Charlotte. They were in Charlotte visiting family, so I met them to spend the day.

We were walking around with my children, when we passed by Spencer's.

You know the store - it's the one in every mall with completely disgusting and inappropriate things. I remember as a kid, I loved that store! It was the only store that sold gross things that kids think are hilarious - like fake poop or little flushing toilets.

Apparently, the store has evolved. It appears to more of an adult store now. A nasty, sin filled store that wreaks of Satan. It has been years since I have even been in one, but I can tell by the entrance they are not selling anything I need. I most certainly have never taken my children in there.

Well, yesterday, we were passing by when I noticed their posters display. They typically sell posters and display them just inside the door. Usually the posters are of the latest heart throb (like the Biebs) or of the hottest summer movie. Yesterday however, the posters were awful.

The posters were of half naked girls and one poster was of said girls about to make out. I was mortified. Fortunately, at that moment, my children were busy looking at other things. They did not notice them. However, all it would have taken was one glance. One general glance for that image to forever be burnt into their minds.

Don't get me started on the fact that it is forever burnt into my mind. It could have easily been seen by my husband too. However, my concern is my children. Their innocence.

When did it become acceptable for such sexually explicit images to be imposed on my children? When did it become ok for my babies innocence to be stolen by just a glance?

It grieves my heart so much that this is what my children are facing. On the way to Charlotte yesterday. was a billboard with girls in negligee's. On a huge billboard on interstate 77. How can I compete against the world this way on behalf of my children? Don't even get me started on the check out at any grocery store.

I can only pray daily that Jesus will protect their eyes, their ears, their minds. I pray for their innocence and for Jesus to protect it for as long as possible. And hope and pray that He returns for us quickly. I long for eternity with Him where sin doesn't exist.

Oh, while it may not help, I did write a letter to Spencer's and the Mall. I shared with them that my family will not be returning to that mall until the posters are removed. I also told them that I will make it my personal mission to tell as many people as humanly possible, so they can also boycott the mall until the situation is corrected. If I don't fight for my children's innocence, who will?

REFLECTION

2011-08-12T16:39:00.001-04:00

It is hard to put into words what my heart is feeling. This is going to be one of those posts that mean more to me than to any one that may read it. The whole reason I started this blog was to journal my days with my sweet babies. I want record my experiences and my thoughts. So years from now, when I don't remember this feeling or this moment, I would have record of it. That is what this post is all about.

Some friends of Brad's from college received devastating news this week. Their 8 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia. I personally don't know them, but I can't stop thinking about this family. My heart aches for them. When I read their news, it was like a giant hand slap across my face. I have an 8 year old son. What if it were us? Seriously the thought brings tears to my eyes.

How quickly life can change! In an instant, your world can come crashing down. How blessed I am to have my family for this moment.

I had to take Jackson to the dentist today. It was just him and me. Sadly, we don't get an opportunity to be alone very often. After the dentist, I decided to surprise him by taking him out for ice cream. I made him swear to secrecy! LOL. I was sitting there just watching him, and I thought my heart would burst. His little life just flashed before my eyes. Memories of him as an infant - rocking him and going on walks with him. Memories of him as a 2 year old playing trains. And I could just see him walking around as a 4 year old with a light saber attached to his pants - all the time. I started crying right there in the ice cream shop!

(edited to add a photo of his sweet little face!!)

I read something this week that was profound to me - one day, I am going to miss this moment. I sat there in that ice cream shop thinking, one day, I am going to long for my 8 year old sharing an ice cream with me. TEARS!!

Oh my heart breaks for Brad's friends. I can't imagine that hurt, that fear. When I looked at my baby today, I thought about how his future is wide open. He can do anything he wants. What a precious blessing. What a gift.

I am a weepy, hot mess today. I hate being this way. At the same time, it is nice to be reminded how precious life is and how richly blessed I am.

I LOVE WHEN HE SPEAKS

2011-08-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

The more this sinks in, the more I realize just how special it was. I'll share from the beginning...

Brad and I got into a discussion last night about our adoption journey. I know this road has been way more difficult for me that it's been for him. I am much more emotionally attached to the process than he is. It is my every thought, it seems. My heart longs for our baby to be home. I long to be in China. Brad, on the other hand, is more like "let me know when we get a referral and when travel is imminent". Otherwise, he doesn't think about it, breath it, like I do.

I know that, and I get it. He was very much like that with each of my pregnancies, too. He went with me to my appointments, because I think he was scared not to. LOL. Really though, he wasn't the dad that wanted to go to Babies R Us with me to register, or to sit on the couch with his hand on my belly. So his lack of "involvement" in the adoption, especially the ever so stalled adoption that it is, is not surprising to me. Normally it doesn't even bother me. But, last night it did.

I was already feeling emotional and doubtful. After our conversation, I was reeling. What in the world are we doing? Am I wrong? What if the adoption is "stalled" because it just isn't God's will for us? All these questions ran through my mind. I was heartsick.

So I went to bed praying. Just desperate before Jesus saying, what in world are we suppose to do? Before I went to sleep, I thought I would do my daily devotion on my phone. I have the Bible app and it has a daily Rick Warren devotion. It is really neat. At the end of the devotion, there is a bible passage that goes along with it. When you click on the suggested bible reading, a new screen pops up that takes you straight to that passage. Once you read it, you click on the little devotion icon and it takes you back to the previous page. It will check off the bible verses showing you completed your reading for that day.

So I decided to read my devotion and then go to sleep. The main point was patience and persistence. When I got to the bottom, it suggested that I read Genesis 24:21. So I clicked on it and started reading. I immediately noticed that it included a lot of verses (instead of just the one), but I kept reading. The more I read, the more I thought, "Hey, this is long!", but I kept reading. Here are the main points of the passage:

*Consider trials pure joy.
*If you seek wisdom, ask God. He will tell you (hello! Like right now!).
*God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.
*Don't just listen to God's word, DO IT!
*Do not hear His word and not obey it.

And I not sure why it took me so long to realize I wasn't reading Genesis, but rather James. It wasn't until the very last verse that it hit me.

**James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for the orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

As soon as I read that I realized that God, Himself, was speaking to me. You have to understand, my phone can be glitchy sometimes, like it will freeze periodically. I can tell you that my phone has never, ever pulled up a random bible passage. This app was written to pull up the passage it is assigned to pull up. It doesn't just pick some random other bible passage to share.

Was it a coincidence that my prayer minutes before reading this, was asking God what we should do? Are we on the right path? If we are, why is it so stinkin hard? Then my phone randomly pulls up James 1? Seriously, if it was a "glitch" - of all the passages in the bible, it pulls up the one that tells me to care for orphans? To consider my trials joy? To obey what He tells me? And that if I ask Him for wisdom, He will give it to me? For sure NOT a glitch!!

Thank you Father for speaking to me, even when I come to you with doubts and fears. Thank you for working on my behalf, even when I don't deserve it (which is always)! Thank you for loving us enough to give us the blessing of another child. Thank you for keeping your promise to Willa by placing her in a family.

In your time, Sweet Jesus, you will show yourself glorious! You will move mighty mountains on our behalf. I trust You. I trust Your timing. Until that time, I will rest in Your light and love. I can't wait to see what You are going to do!

NOTHING GOING ON

2011-08-07T22:39:00.000-04:00

We started school two weeks ago. It blows my mind that I have a THIRD grader and a FIRST grader. We use Sonlight and we love it. This year, we are using Core B - which is geography, history and literature. It works well for us, because Jack and Anna can share. We do the Core, bible and science together and individual math and language arts. It really helps having them together for a large part of their school day.

Core B is Intro to World History. So far, it has been very interesting and the kids genuinely seem to like it. It will tie in nicely with a trip to China. If course, at the rate we are going, my kids may be in high school by the time we make it to China, but that is neither here nor there.

My issue has been motivating Jackson. He honestly just can not be bothered by school work. I know he is smart. I know he is capable. What he is not, is willing. For example, we had a worksheet on capitalization. Now, he has been doing capitalization since kindergarten. So he knows when a capital letter is needed. He got the entire worksheet wrong. The entire worksheet. I am not going to lie, I threaten to put him in the car, and drive to the elementary school that is 3 miles away to enroll him. That scared him to death - but I haven't seen a change in his effort yet. I get that he is a boy and has lots of other things vying for his attention, I really do. However, school takes about 3 hours. He has the rest of the day to do whatever it is he does. It is taking him longer because I am making him redo the stuff he is doing wrong. You would think that alone would motivate him to do it right!

Here is another example - he has always been gifted in math. So far, I had not had to teach him any math concepts. He just gets it. We started multiplication last year, I shared the facts with him once and then he just knew the answers. This year? Oh lawd. This year, he can't seem to add double numbers. He told me he didn't understand the "carry the 1" concept. What? I am so not buying it.

I am not quite sure what to do to motivate him. I went this weekend and bought a boat load of candy. Good candy, like blow pops! I am going to try rewarding them with candy when they do their best. I think that will be effective with him. I sure hope so.

Nothing new on the adoption front, unfortunately. I do have a huge praise - we have raised $700 with the T-shirt sale. Can you believe it? I have people every day asking me about them! What a blessing!

So that is it for now. Sorry it isn't more exciting. Maybe soon, I will have some exciting news. Maybe. Jesus willing.

CLIPPIES

2011-07-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

Here are a few of the clippies. I have a few more than this, but they are the same colors. I am trying to make more, but well... turns out, I am not so crafty! LOL!

The clippies have an anti slip strip attached inside. They are really so pretty! We are selling them for $3.00 each! Send me an email if you are interested! jackjujam at yahoo dot com!

Thanks! The t--shirts have been selling great! What a sweet blessing!

A FRESH WORD FROM GOD

2011-07-28T22:35:00.001-04:00

This time last week, I was gearing up to meet my friend Ashley in Charlotte for the Beth Moore conference. We had a great time! Ashley has been a great friend to me this last year, and it was so great to spend some time with her.

The conference was awesome. Seriously, such a sweet time. There is just something about coming together with 9400 other women to study the bible with Beth Moore. The "theme" of the weekend was HOLD FAST. Hold fast to Jesus. She shared such a encouraging word from the bible and you could truly feel Jesus in our midst.

When I came home, I searched online for videos of Beth speaking. I found one and immediately watched it. I was blown away by something she shared - she was talking about Elizabeth and Zechariah. The main point in her study was what comes naturally or easily for some, has to come through miracles for others. She used Elizabeth's pregnancy as an example. Wow. She went on to say that Elizabeth needed a miracle, and God blessed her with a pregnancy. Well, we all know how her story played out. She gave birth to John the Baptist.

Would I choose the easy path? YES! Would I have chosen for our adoption journey to be so long and painful? Of course not. However, that is exactly the way it's been - long and painful. I have to say though, I have come to a place in my relationship with Jesus that would not have been likely otherwise. A place of trust and peace.

I am one of those people that need a miracle. This adoption is not going to come easily or naturally for us. We need Jesus to intervene. You know what? When that miracle does come (because it IS coming, you know), it is going to be so much sweeter. Through it, Jesus will show us His glory like never before.

So would I have chosen it this way? No. Am I thankful and humbled His ways are not my ways? YES! I would live every day of this year over and over again, if through our journey, He is shown more Glorious than ever before!

**edited to add: Remember that post about spiritual warfare? Yeah. This week has been a doozy.

Brad was bitten by a black widow. He has been so sick from it.
Our A/C broke (still broken as we speak)
Jameson got sick

That's it for now... stay tuned. I am sure there will be more.

SWEET BLESSINGS

2011-07-24T23:49:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago my friend, Kelly, emailed me to ask if I would be interested in t-shirts that I could sell to help raise adoption funds. It sounded great, so she put me in touch with this sweet lady named Kris.

Kris is an adoptive mom herself. When they were raising funds to complete their adoption, they had these really cool t-shirts made. The t-shirts turned out so cute and have a great message! Anyway, Kris' family brought their daughter home and had a ton of t-shirts left over. I am still so humbled by this - Kris offered me ALL of them! For free! Seriously, guys how awesome is that?

On Wednesday, when I arrived home from my trip, there was two giant boxes waiting for me! Once I got the kids to bed, I tore into them! I was so excited!

I seriously had never seen so many t-shirts in one place in my life! They were even cuter in person than in the photo Kris shared. Another sweet blessing was included in the boxes! Kris was very successful in making adorable hair clippies, and she gave me all of her left over stuff! A ton of them were already made, and she included tons of stuff to make more. It seems pretty easy and they are super cute. As soon as Julianna saw them, she said, "OH! Those are gorgeous!" She begged me to let her have all of them! LOL!

So because of someone's generous spirit and incredible talent, we get to raise more money for our adoption. How cool is that? Provision people. Jesus' sweet provision!

So here's the deal:

The front of the tee says:

iChose

The back of the tee says;

to FOLLOW the ONE who made ME

How cool is that?? The shirts come in pink with brown writing or in black with white writing. They also come in two different styles. There is a classic tee and a ladies fitted tee.

Just as an FYI - the classic tee runs a little big and the ladies fitted tee runs about a size smaller than normal. So if you order the ladies fitted tee and you wear a large, get extra large.

We will be selling the shirts for $12.00! That is a total steal! We are just hoping to sell as many as possible. The more we sell, the closer we are to sweet Willa. It is our goal to sell ALL of them! If you are willing, please help spread the word!

Also, the tees seem to be pretty good quality. I washed and dried one just to see if it shrunk, and I can say it appears to not have shrunk at all! They are soft and so so cute!

If you want to order one, email me at jackjujam @ yahoo dot com. In the email, please let me know which color choice, style (fitted or classic) and size. I will email you back to let you know if we have it available.

The sizes come womens fitted - small to extra large. The classic unisex tee comes small - 2X large. I do have a few kid sizes, too.

We will also be selling and making hair clippies to sell!

These two photos are just a small sample of what could be done. There are a ton of color, size and flower choices!! We are also going to be making some felt flower clippies. They really are adorable! I will get better photos in the next couple of days. The hair clips also are lined, with a non slip strip added.

We will be selling the clippies for $3.00 each.

We are really excited and hope that we are able to use this generous gift to help raise money for our adoption. Like I said, I will get better photos soon! I will also try to get some photos of my family wearing our iChose shirts, so you can see how cute they look on!

We have been so humbly blessed by the adoption community. I can not wait to get home with Willa and start paying it forward! I hope to be able to bless someone else the way we have been blessed!

Please let me know if you would like to order a tee or a clippy! If you are willing, spread the word! I can't wait to see how God will bless the sale of these tees and clippies!

DIFFICULT WEEKEND

2011-07-18T23:48:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I packed up my little family, and headed to SC to visit my parents. We stopped in Rock Hill to meet up with my sweet baby sister for ice cream. It was close to 4 pm when we got back on the road. As I was leaving, I notice I have several missed calls and text messages. They were all from Brad, except one. One with an 703 area code.

I immediately knew it was my agency, but for some reason, instead of listening to my messages first, I called Brad. He said, "Michele! Where have you been? Melissa called with a referral!!!" I was in shock! So I immediate hung up and called Melissa.

Sure enough, there was a referral for us to review. I was cautiously optimistic, but scared out of my mind. She told me all about the little girl and everything sounded ok. So she forwarded me her file. Now keep in mind that I sit home, day in and day out. Never going anywhere except to church. I have been waiting on this call for months. Well, actually years. And when does it come? At 4 pm on a Friday afternoon when I am driving 80 miles an hour down the interstate. Another doozy, my mom does not have internet access. So I had to rely on my phone all weekend to review the file, email doctors, stalk the net looking for any information I could find.

I tried to be social, considering I was suppose to be visiting my family, but all I could think about was this little girl. Her face was like a little angel's. So precious. Her needs scared me - they weren't something that we really felt comfortable with, but we kept hope in our hearts. We desperately wanted to hear good news when we spoke to the doctors.

Unfortunately, there was no good news. I think I knew in my heart that her needs were not going to be as cut and dry as I hoped. Deep down, I knew the doctor wasn't going to have anything positive to report. There were just too many red flags.

Turns out, our gut feelings were right. Her condition was not good. In any aspect. We had to decline the referral. I have cried off and on since. I guess, it just seemed so familiar. The heart ache, the guilt, the timing. The only difference this time was that I wasn't in China, alone.

We prayed and prayed and prayed. We just never could find that peace we needed to go forward. Then the doctors confirmed our fears, we knew that we just were not equipped to handle all of her needs.

It crushed me.

You want to hear how sweet my Heavenly Father is though? He knew our hearts were breaking. He knew that we worried that we just couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster of this journey. He knew we needed encouragement to keep fighting.

On Sunday morning, our church treasurer came up to Brad and said, "Merry Christmas in July" and handed him an envelope. In it was $1000. Can you believe it? Someone anonymously gave us this money. On the very same day that we felt like we were dying inside.

It was like Jesus was saying, "I am still working. I know it's hard! Keep fighting! You're almost there!"

Such a difficult weekend, yet it ended with His redeeming love and provision. You think His heart isn't for the orphan? You better believe it is!!

My baby is still waiting. When it is His time, we will find her. Until then, I will rest in His unfailing love! And I will be on my knees for the ones that have no mommy and daddy tonight.

BECAUSE I AM COO-COO

2011-07-14T20:08:00.000-04:00

When we first bought our house, the realtor recommended we test for radon. Well, being from the beach, I had never heard of radon. She explained that it is an odorless, colorless gas that comes from the earth. It can get trapped in your house and exposure can cause lung cancer. In fact, statistics show that it is the second leading cause of lung cancer, after smoking.

So we followed her recommendation and tested. Our levels were low enough to not have to worry about it. Great! Four years go by and I never give it another thought. Well, one night, Brad and I were watching TV and in the back ground of the program was a bunch of pamphlets. One of them had big letters on it RADON - HAVE YOUR HOME TESTED. As soon as I saw it, I thought, "Oh yeah, radon.", then immediately forgot about it again.

Well, being the freak o' nature that I am, always looking for something to fret about, I should have known my mind wasn't going to let that go. So there I was in bed that night, wide awake, eyes huge with fear, thinking I was poisoning my children with toxic gas. I ~~violently shook Brad awake, while screaming that we were killing our children~~ made a mental note to mention it to Brad when he woke up.

The next morning, I asked him about it. No real shock here, but he told me I was coo-coo and to let it go. Let it go? Let it go? Clearly he did not realize who he was talking to. I can't let anything go. I am a fretter. That is what I do.

Well, low and behold, I stumble across a Dr. Oz segment about the dangers of radon. Now you all know if Dr. Oz says it is a silent killer, by gosh, that makes it fact! So I continue my research ever convinced that we needed to pack up our belongings and head to the coast!

Then, then, I see my neighbor outside, so I run over to ask her what she thought of radon. Have they ever tested? She tells me (lord, my heart stopped) that they did indeed test when they bought their house. Their level came back high and they had some high tech mitigation system installed to filter their air. Seriously at this point, I am about to soil my britches.

So I finally convince Brad to get a test kit from Lowe's. All the while, he is complaining that I am a nut job and that I need to see a shrink. He even suggests that maybe the "radon" has gotten to my brain. Oh so funny, that guy. Anyway, so we get the test. You have to leave it out for a minimum of 48 hours. Ok, done.

So during that 48 hours, I decided to stalk the internet and my other neighbors to see what I can uncover. Well, not a single person, other than my one neighbor had ever even heard of radon. Not my friends at church, not my family, none of my friends that live somewhat close. Then I finally discover a study done on the internet. It said that if you have 1000 people that have never smoked, and you exposed them to a lifetime of radon, 3 of them would get lung cancer. Three. Out of 1000. That is less than 1%.

So I decided to step off of my crazy train, take a deep breath (of radon poisoned air) and let it go. I am not going to live in this house a lifetime. My family will not live in this house a lifetime. Not to mention we have tested - and it was low. The reports say as long as there hasn't been construction or an earthquake, the level is probably no different. I actually threw away our test kit.

So I am letting it go. Of course, the minute I say I am letting it go, I read a report saying you shouldn't give your kids fluoride. WHAT? The report says it crosses the blood brain barrier and can cause Alzheimer's. Well, great. The only thing my kids drink is city water. Fluorinated water. So, yeah I have let the radon issue go. But....

I am not going to fret. I am not going to fret. I am not going to fret.

SUMMER

2011-07-11T16:05:00.001-04:00

I am already over it. Done. Let's move on.

I don't mind the weather, I like it in fact. I am just over the lack of schedule. My kids have been buck wild this summer. LOL. During the school year, I really try to limit TV, video games, and computer time - we call it "screen time". We allow it in the mornings, because they get up so stinkin early. Then everything is powered down and isn't allowed to come on again until 4. They usually watch until Brad comes home (a little after 5), then we have dinner. By that time it's bath and bed. That works great for us during the year.

But then there is summer. Despite my thoughts on screen time, without it, I would go bananas. I have tried so hard to limit it, but there comes a time usually around 10 am, that I need it. They need it. LOL! Ok, maybe I can make it past 10am, but for sure around 2, I am ready for them to sit down and chill out.

Jackson has things he is responsible for - summer reading and piano, but those things do not take up much time. Julianna does a little bit of summer reading, but not much, and she has not started an instrument yet. Fortunately, though, she will play quietly in her room for a while. Then there is Jameson, my wild child. Jameson is by far, the loudest child on the planet.

Because of the volume of that child, the others compete for their voice to be heard. LOL! For example - Jameson right now is singing to the top of his lungs, "Hosannah to the Son of David! Hosannah to the highhhhhhhh-estttttttt!" In response to that, Julianna is blaring Third Day on her cd player. All while Jackson is doing his piano time. Seriously, could there be more noise?

On the flipside, at least they are entertaining themselves. I can not count how many times a day I hear, "Mom? MOOOOOOMMMMM? Mommmmaaaa? MOMMMMMYYYY?", "Jackson looked at me!" "Jameson kicked me!", "Julianna! Get out of my room!" And the crying? Oh precious lord, the crying. At what age do children stop crying over every little thing? I can tell you, it isn't 6.

Oh, and they are eating me out of house and home. I thought to help keep my sanity, I would create a "snack drawer". In the snack drawer are various single servings of crap. Listen, I am trying to survive here. There is no time for healthy options. Anyway, they are allowed to chose a snack in the morning and in the afternoon without asking. Can I tell you how pricey and involved that little idea has become? Of course, at least they aren't asking me for food eleventy bajillion times a day. They do however ask for candy eleventy bajillion times a day. Because what do buck wild children need? That's right, sugar.

Praise sweet Jesus! It's 4 o'clock! Yay for screen time!!

How many more days until school starts? Oh that's right, we homeschool. I don't have to wait for the public school calendar. Would I be a horrible mother to make them do school in July?

UPDATE FROM AGENCY

2011-07-07T15:49:00.000-04:00

I mention in a previous post about emailing my agency asking them to give it to me straight. I actually got an email back that same day.

I was really encouraged by the email. I know it is very hard to remotely guess when we may receive a referral There truly are so many factors - our special needs list, our log in date, how many families are in the program, the lists that are coming from the CCCWA, etc... there is just no way of knowing.

My family coordinator did tell me that we are open to some things that not many other families are open to, so that does put us at an advantage. She also told me that based on my list and LID, there is a possibility of a match with each list that is released. However, she can not control what is released - how many kids, what their needs may be, etc. I totally get that.

She did say that while we could get matched at any time, it would probably be best to plan for the referral taking a little bit of time. Maybe later this year, into next even. Honestly, I am completely ok with that. "Into next" sounds like January or February. If February is my worst case timeline wise, then I have complete peace with that. In the grande scheme of things, that is only 7 months from now. If that would the case, we could still have Willa home this time next year.

I am choosing to look at this with a glass half full mentality. If the next year goes by as quickly as this past year, then my girl will be home before I know it. Also, it would just give me a chance to save more money. I simply have to bring my family with me when its time to travel. I simply have to. So, time is my friend.

One more thing. No matter what - my God is bigger than any of this. B.I.G.G.E.R. He is bigger than America World. He is bigger than the "list". He is bigger than the infamous CCCWA. He is bigger. He has a plan. He has ordained this from the beginning of time. He knows the day that phone will ring. He knows because HE planned it. If He if wants it to be today, nothing will stand in His way. If He wants it to be July 7, 2012, then I accept that too. His ways are perfect.

I have complete peace in that!

Now someone remind me of this right before the next list comes out, would ya? Great thanks! LOL!

FEELING BETTER

2011-07-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

This past week has been rough. Between the health issues, stress and totally feeling deflated, it was all too much. Let me back track to Monday (the 27th). I am going to try to keep this short, but bear with me. It gets better.

So Monday - the day of the list. I had convinced myself that we were going to get a call. Not only had I convinced myself that we would get a call, I convinced myself that Jesus was whispering to me that it was going to happen. I spent a lot of the day in prayer. I just *knew* it was going to be it!

It didn't happen.

On Tuesday, I was crushed. Not so much crushed that we didn't get a call, but crushed that I was so wrong. How could it be? How could I have misinterpreted everything? Doubt began to creep in. Major doubt that scared me to death. Was I not as close to my Savior as I thought? Have I been wrong this whole time? What if He had turned His back on me? I was really, really struggling.

Every time I tried to pray, I would think, what's the point? He isn't hearing me. Or He is hearing me but doesn't care. I can tell you that Satan was super close to me those days. He was whispering those lies to me and convincing me they were real.

After a couple of days of wallowing in self pity, something dawned on me. When things didn't go my way, I was very quick to "blame" God. I was disappointed and let down, and it was all His fault. I turned on him in an instant when He didn't respond the way I wanted. That broke my heart.

I began to realize that He was indeed speaking to me last Monday. He was encouraging me and lifting me up. I am the one that read it all wrong. It was MY fault that I manipulated it all to be the answer that I wanted. So I alone, set myself up to be disappointed.

I am doing a bible study right now that has really spoken to me these last few days. On day ONE (!), it talks about how Jesus said, " I am THE way." He does not say, "Let me show you the way.", or "Hey, here's a map for the way, complete with all the details you will need." He simply says He is THE way. It went on to give examples of times in the bible that God or Jesus simply said, "Follow me." There were no further instructions. No promises of happy times. No guarantees that things would be wonderful and work out just like we hoped.

So it made me think - when Jesus called us on this journey, did he give me a detailed map? No. He just said adopt. He did not tell me that the road would be great! Or that everything would be rosy. Am I not willing to be obedient if the journey does not look like I think it should?

One thing I know - He is faithful. He is trust worthy. I am grateful that this journey isn't looking like I thought it would. I am grateful that HE is the way. He is in control. He has ordained this journey and He has hand picked the little girl that is suppose to be my Willa. Clearly she (or we) is not ready. It isn't our time. I still trust Him. He sees the big picture. He knows each detail. I can only see this moment. If it takes a day or a year, when He says its time, then it's the perfect time. I will wait for Him.

I will wait for Him with joy in my heart. Because you know what? He is enough for me. If I never have more than I have in this moment (or if God forbid, I have less), He is enough. And I am grateful that He doesn't hold it against me when I am so quick to blame Him. Or turn from Him. I pray that as I grow in my relationship with my Savior, those times will be less and less. Because He will become More and More.

I also have an update from my agency, but that is a whole other blog post. I will share that one later.

KEEPIN' IT REAL

2011-06-29T16:18:00.001-04:00

First of all - I want to say thank you to everyone that left a kind comment! It means so much! And hello to the new people stopping in! Glad you are here!! Thanks guys!

We did not get a call on Monday night. Honestly, I have no clue when we will get a call. I did send an email to my coordinator at America World asking her to be brutally honest with me. What are we looking at here? Where am I on the list? Ok, I didn't ask that last question, but I wanted to. I will let you know what she says. Surely to the precious lord, we are getting close. Ya know? Dern.

Something else has been occupying my mind today. Remember a while back I posted this post on spiritual warfare? It talked about how when you are doing a big thing for God, a lot of times you fall under attack? Um, yeah. We are so there. Let me share my last two weeks with you:

*weird skin rash

*terrifying breast lump

*fever blister

*a cold

*never ending menstrual cycle (in spite of being on the pill)

*kidney stone

*two very, very painful hemorrhoids (haven't had those since I was pregnant) - told you I am keeping it real here, folks.

All of that. In. Two. Weeks. Seriously?

Not to mention some issues that my poor hubby is struggling with - and his wife is falling apart with the most random list of illnesses. Poor guy is sure to have an ulcer.

All of that *on top* of our ever so long, stressful adoption journey. Could it be coincidental? I think not.

I can say that Iamthisclose to losing my marbles. Like I keep hearing sirens and I am for sure they are coming for me. They have a white jacket and a padded room with my name written all over it. Of course, in a padded room, it wouldn't be as painful to sit.

THAT TIME AGAIN

2011-06-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

As much as I am trying to not think about it... I can't stop thinking about it. It's that time of the month again. The list release from China. Tomorrow night, around 8pm, China will release the "list" of available children. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of month. Love it for the excitement and hope, hate it for the disappointment and let down.

Things have been different this month though. I can't really put my finger on it, its just been different. I sort of have a renewed sense of hope. Our agency said that the longest anyone has waited in the Waiting Child Program is a year and a half. Clearly, our family excluded because it's been 2 years for us. I know we can't be counted in the averages, but regardless - it's still been a long time. We have to be close, right?

In the past, some agencies have "manipulated" the system to match the young, minor needs kids unethically. Because of that, agencies that were doing things the right way, lost out on chances to match their families with young kids (0-2) or minor needs kids. It wasn't fair, but there wasn't much that could be done. If you happened to be with those particular agencies, then you got matched super quickly. While some families wait and wait for matches. Now don't get me wrong, I believe that Jesus has hand picked my daughter for me, so regardless of people abusing the system, if my daughter had of been ready, nothing would have stopped us from finding her. My point is it was an unfair advantage to the families with the agencies that were working ethically.

However, you can't continue to cheat the system and never get caught. Last month, my agency emailed and said that there have been some issues with the list and other agencies. They didn't go into specifics and they didn't share which agencies were at fault (which I totally respect the way they handled it. They never once said anything bad about another agency.). They merely shared that there were some issues but they have and will continue to do things ethically and were not involved with whatever happened. Anyway, I found out today that these agencies are on suspension from using the shared list. I don't know how long, but for sure for June.

All of that to say, that maybe now that the system is working the way it was intended again, the families that are waiting will find their children!

Interesting huh?

So if you are willing, will you please join us in prayer? This road has been long and so very hard. We are trying to be obedient to the calling that Jesus asked of us. Here are some specific requests if you would be willing:

1. That our baby girl, Willa is ON THAT LIST!
2. That her file would be accurate and up to date.
3. That when we see her face, we will know that she is the one we have been praying for and waiting on!
4. That no one else would be able to lock her file but America World for US!
5. She is being taken care of and is healthy while she waits.
6. The finances. Oh the finances. If she is indeed on the list, we will need $18,000+ in FOUR MONTHS (OK, that makes me physically nauseous).

If we get a call, I have to be honest, you all will probably hear me screaming. LOL. Please, please take a moment and lift our family up in prayer. None of this is possible without Jesus' favor and mercy.

Thank you! The next time I blog could be to sharing some good news!!

I DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH

2011-06-22T15:06:00.000-04:00

I spend so much time blogging about my daughter that is not home yet, I hardly make time to blog about my babies that are with me! So this post is for them!

My firstborn - Jackson. It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he is EIGHT. At the same time, it seems like a life time ago that we were a little family of three. Jackson is the sweetest, most tender hearted kid you will ever meet. He loves his Savior with all of his heart. He trusts and follows Him with absolute faith. He has a natural curiosity of the bible. Mark my words, this little guy will follow in his daddy's footsteps and will choose a career path in the ministry. He already knows more about the bible than I do! He loves his family and loves being home. He is so joyful - he laughs all day long!

My second born - Julianna. Julianna is six, going on 21 - my little firecracker. That is one spunky girl. She loves all things girly - glitter, pink, dresses, fingernail polish. As hard as I am trying to keep her a little girl, she is working just as hard to be a teenager. LOL. She has such a natural beauty. She truly is stunning. But she is just as beautiful on the inside. Her heart for others is inspiring. She has a heart for the orphan and she has even a bigger heart for the special needs children. I know that Jesus has planted a little seed in her heart and I can not wait to see what He does with it. I have said it a 1000 times here - but she loves China. She loves the people, the culture, the country. God is going to do big things through her - I honestly believe He has already started.

And my baby - Jameson. Jamey is four. I have to tell you, this child has me completely wrapped around his finger. There is just something about him that melts me. Maybe because his is the littlest. Maybe because he is a momma's boy 100%. I am not sure, but I could stare at him all day long. Honestly, he has that affect on Jackson and Julianna, too. He is still trying to find his place in our family - he desperately wants to be a big boy like Jackson, but he isn't quite ready to give up being the baby. He loves his siblings so much and they love him the same. He is just so versatile - he loves wearing princess dresses with Julianna (which is killing his daddy!) and he loves rough housing with Jackson. He loves singing and dancing. Maybe he will be the only musically inclined child we have. Hehe.

So those are my children. I spend 100% of my time with them. We homeschool, we co-sleep - we are literally with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I could not imagine my life being any different. Praise Jesus that my husband and I are on the same page as parents. He wants them with us as much as I do. We truly are so very blessed. And we can't wait to have our newest blessing home with us as well!

BEAUTY FROM ASHES

2011-06-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

On Friday, we took a little trip to the mall (the most glorious mall in NC, by the way). There was a really cool toy shop there that my kids were dying to ~~destroy~~ check out. So we headed that way. As soon as we walked in the door, I spotted the most adorable little Asian girl standing at one of the play areas. She was playing with who I assumed was her father and older brother. All of a sudden, the father quickly escorted the boy out of the store - leaving the little girl behind playing. I kind of stood there frozen, wondering why he left her? It took her about 2 seconds to realize they had left. She started hysterically crying - bless her heart. You could tell she was terrified. As soon as I snapped out of it, I started toward her. About the same time, I see her mom come flying over from the other side of the store. She scooped her up and was loving on her. She looked at me, and just gave me this, "It's ok, I am her mom" kind of look. I couldn't stop staring. I know she probably thought I was some crazy stalker or something, but I my heart was breaking for that baby. I wanted to snatch her out of her mommy's arms and comfort her myself! LOL. Anyway, it took her a minute to calm down and even minutes later, she still had these big tears just hanging on her bottom eye lashes. Heart. Breaking.

I know this is silly, but I thought about that little girl all weekend. It just made me think. Obviously, I have no idea why the father left so abruptly, but he came back. Her mom was just a few feet from her. She was ok the whole time, but she didn't know that. In her little heart, everything she knew ran out of that store in an instant. In her little heart was breaking. It just made me think about Willa. Not only will she experience this - she will have to experience it twice.

Her mom or dad left her somewhere. She could have been that two year old. The two year old that in an instant her world came to an end. Abandoned. Her mom didn't rush to her to comfort her and tell her that it's going to be ok. She was just left. Then she was taken to an orphanage. She once again, has to learn to trust and find comfort in her surroundings. Then one day, in the not so distant future, she will be left again. She will be put in the arms of strangers and her world as she knows it will come to an end.

Now in her little mind, she doesn't know that it will be the very last time. She doesn't know that she will finally be coming home - never to be abandoned again. All she will know is everything and everyone familiar will be gone.

It is a wonder that these children ever overcome their abandonments. How resilient there little hearts must be. Even though I know that we will be giving Willa a good life - it still breaks my heart at what she will be leaving behind. Her family. Her country. Her culture. She will experience such a loss in such a little amount of time. No one should ever have to endure what these children endure.

I couldn't stop thinking about it... then something else happened... it was like the Lord was showing me a story in stages this weekend. I was sitting at the kids flag football game on Saturday. I was just people watching when I saw my friends little girl (4 years old, adopted from China) running in my direction with a huge smile on her face. Then I saw her daddy going toward her - he scooped her up in his arms and she beamed. She laid her head on his shoulders and just smiled - absorbing his love and comfort.

So yeah, these kids do lose everything they know - their worlds are turned upside down. But we serve a redeeming God! He gives us beauty from ashes!

Isaiah 61:3

...to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

He redeems them! He gives them hope for a future! You know, honestly, how many times does he do the same for us? Praise Jesus for his mercies!

FINANCES

2011-06-14T16:29:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about money for the adoption today. Usually its so overwhelming, when it comes to mind, I quickly push it away (funny how I can do that with this, but with health stuff, I get a little nutso). Today, I decided to "tackle" it and figure out exactly where we are.

I am super excited to say that we have enough money to cover ALL of the fees (new agency post placement fees, visa fees, orphanage "donation" fee). So all we are short now is our travel expenses. Unfortunately, that is the biggest expense. Time is on our side though! We haven't even received a referral yet - so we hopefully will have time to raise/save the remainder.

If we all travel, the total travel expenses will be somewhere around $18,000. I know that seems outrageous. I know that taking our children is controversial. But I believe in our heart that it is the right decision for OUR family. After my trip last year, I just can't bear to travel without them. I really needed them last July, and the thought of being there again without them breaks my heart. I have said all of this before, and I am sorry to repeat myself. I just also believe that they have been on this journey with us for the last 2+ years - they are anxiously awaiting Willa's arrival as much as we are. It's their journey too. We have never left them before, why would start now? Anyway.... so. $18,000. That is our new number.

If we get a referral this month (Jesus willing!), we will have about 4 or 5 months to come up with that money. GULP. Ok that makes me feel a little panicky. It's time to pack up these thoughts and file them away for a while. LOL. I've had enough anxiety this week to last me a lifetime.

FAVOR

2011-06-13T22:39:00.001-04:00

I just have to blog about this ... I am just in awe.

On Saturday, I found a lump in my breast while I was showering. My first thought was, hmmm... that doesn't feel right. Well, it didn't take long for full on panic to set in. I am young, 36, no family history of cancer at all. Most normal people would be a little concerned but would just make a mental note to call the doctor on Monday if it wasn't better. Most normal people. I clearly do not fall into that category. I fall into the "I am an absolute lunatic with no hope of ever being normal." category. By lunch time, I was absolutely consumed with fear. I was convinced of the worst case scenario. Every time I looked at one of my children, I burst into tears. My mind went crazy.

So fast forward to Monday morning. I call the doctor and they are willing to see me at 2 (2? GAH!). Two o'clock finally rolls around and I see the doctor. He felt the lump and says, "Let's schedule an ultrasound." He hands me my check out paper, and that was it. WHAT? No kind words to talk me off the ledge? No statistic like 80% of breast lumps are benign? Nothing? So go check out and the lady calls the diagnostic center to schedule my u/s. She looks at me as says, "How about Thursday?" I just dropped my head and didn't say a word. I could not speak. I hear her ask the lady on the phone if she had anything sooner. So the lady tells her to hold on... for 1000 minutes. Ok, not really, but it felt like it. She finally comes back and says I could come right then. During that 1000 minutes, I was praying, literally begging God to let it be today. I would surely die if I had to wait until Thursday. Did I mention that I lost 3 pounds since Saturday? Anyway, praise Jesus, I could go then.

So I get there and I wait maybe 10 minutes. They were so kind and comforting. I ended up with a mammogram and an ultrasound. The radiologist came in and said that it was a benign cyst. In fact, there were multiple cysts. He also wanted to do another ultrasound on the other breast just to have a baseline. So all is ok.

It made me think... why was it all ok? What did I do to deserve to be cancer free when so many other women are not so lucky? Then it occurred to me that it had nothing to do with that. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of the blessings that my sweet Jesus gives me. That is the beauty of it - I serve a God that doesn't give me what I deserve. Instead, He gives me grace. Mercy. Favor. Salvation.

I am humbled and eternally grateful for His favor today. I have to tell you though - if the outcome were different, I would still trust Jesus. I would still know that ALL things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Even in devastating moments, even in losses that cripple us, even in the times when we think we can not handle another minute of it. He is still GOOD. He still has a plan. He is still showing us His favor and faithfulness.

Ultimate worse case scenario - I would be with my Savior face to face. If we set our hearts and minds on Him and eternity, it changes our perspective. Don't get me wrong, I am so delighted to receive my good news today. So relieved!! I am just saying that it just made me re-think things. If in His presence is my worst case scenario - then that gives me such Peace!

OLDY BUT GOODY

2011-06-09T16:29:00.000-04:00

I just found this post from April 2008. It cracked me up. I thought it was worth reposting. I am glad since then, Miss Priss realized that her mommy does not roll like that.

Oh no she didn't!

So little Miss Priss comes into the kitchen this morning to ask for more fruit loops. I told her no, we would have lunch soon. She decided it was a good idea to demand more, "I WANT MORE FRUIT LOOPS!" I looked at her like she had lost her mind and told her she was not allowed to speak to me that way. She then threw the bowl on the floor and kicked it across the kitchen. GASP! I think my eyes about popped out of my head. I told her to pick the bowl up, put it away and go to her room. She sat down on the kitchen floor. After I threatened to beat her, she got up, put the bowl away, and stomped off (with flip flops on which made it evenmore dramatic, like it needed help). She went to her room, where I can still hear her yelling, "mommmmmmmmmaaaaa". Sigh. It is only 10am.

***Edited to add*** She comes out of her room, I kid you not, with a rosary on and talking about Jesus. Maybe He appeared to her while she was in there and told her if she kept acting like that, her mommy may send her to live with Him.

JUNE

2011-06-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

It's hard not to think about my life this time last year. We were anxiously waiting on travel approval to travel to China to bring Xiao Xiao home. I can't believe it's been almost a year. The pain of leaving Xiao Xiao behind is still very raw. I think about her and our time together every single day. I am so glad that her family is working to bring her home. I hope she doesn't have to wait much longer. I hope she is healthy enough to travel (last year, my doctor did not recommend allowing her to board a plane). I am so thankful that she is getting her happy ending. That sweet girl so deserves to be home already.

I've been thinking lately about our journey and how we've gotten to where we are today. I met Brad for the first time 12 years ago this month. TWELVE YEARS! June 1999 was such a sweet time for us. June 1999 is when "we" began. The very start of our journey as a family. Fast forward 10 years to June 2009 - we began our adoption journey. The start of becoming a family of six. So the month of June has become very dear to me.

I remember feeling like I would never meet a Godly man. I remember asking God why? Why did he not have a Godly man for me? Did he want me to be alone? Then He sent me Brad. In June.

Then I remember feeling like we would never embark on our adoption journey. I remember asking God why? Why did he not want us to adopt? Then He changed my husband's heart and we embarked on our journey to Willa. In June.

So I have to ask Jesus, what does He have for me this June? Wouldn't it be SUH-WEET if He showed me my baby's face this June? It totally wouldn't surprise me!

I have Hope.

COMPLETE RANDOMESS

2011-05-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Because I know you want to know random facts about Michele, I am going to give you some (Sad what a girl will do to avoid doing laundry).

1. I can not get into a bed that is not made. In fact, I have gone as far as waking Brad up to make the bed, so I could get in it. If the covers are not straighten and perfect, I am not getting in it.

2. I can not sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. So if we are on vacation and the door is on the side of the bed I sleep on, I have to switch. Now there is an exception to that rule - if I am alone, then I have to sleep on the side of the bed by the door.

3. I loathe frogs. I hate all things about frogs. I would rather a spider crawl on me than a frog. Hate. Them.

4. I love eating raw potatoes with vinegar and lots of salt (So it is no surprise that I like salt and vinegar chips. LOL).

5. If I had the money, I would get multiple plastic surgeries.

6. I wish Brad would grow a burly beard.

7. I am sarcastic by nature. I know some have a problem with that. However, I don't see how sarcasm is any worse than arrogance. So there.

8. After we bring Willa home, I would love to pursue a domestic adoption. I really feel like there is a little African American boy out there that belongs to me. Shhhh don't tell Brad though.

9. I miss my family. I miss having my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins close by. I am sad that my kids are growing up without that closeness.

10. I don't like new music. I only want to listen to music that I am familiar with. I hate when Brad makes me listen to new music. I play the same cd's over and over (currently Third Day, Tenth Avenue North and Casting Crowns).

11. I love boiled peanuts and I think I am going to go fix some. I always keep some frozen in my freezer.

12. I am a very proud South Carolinian. Charleston is just in my blood. And even though my children were born in a different state, they too, are South Carolinians. That's just the way it is.

13. I would sell everything I own and move to China. I love China. I love the Chinese people. I love the culture. I left my heart there in July. And once Willa is home, I hope to make an annual mission trip back to China.

14. I feel cheated that I don't live in Cinderella Castle. Of course, I realize that completely contradicts random fact number 13. However this is my blog and I can contradict myself if I want to.

15. I can't wait to talk to certain people in heaven (obviously, besides Jesus). Here is my list:

Martin Luther King, Jr.
the thief that hung next to Jesus on the cross
Esther from the bible
Ronald Reagan
my sweet pa pa

16. I love the Golden Girls. I can't help it. I just do. Dorothy is me in the old age, I think.

17. I love the smell of the marsh.

18. I could eat Chinese, Mexican, and fried chicken everyday for the rest of my life.

19. I never regret eloping. Best decision ever.

20. I wish I had a better relationship with certain family members. I know I have made mistakes that hurt them, but if they were willing to completely put our differences and past aside, I would be so very excited. I hate missing out on their lives.

OK... that's all. I know this post wasn't very exciting. But I accomplished what I set out to do... the laundry is still piled up. Now it's just too late. LOL!

ROLLER COASTER

2011-05-22T21:23:00.000-04:00

Here we go (again)... China will release a new list tomorrow night. My agency emailed on Friday to let us know. The list will release around 8 pm tomorrow (8am in China). My family coordinator said that *if* we were to receive a match (oh lord, please let it be!!), she would call us late tomorrow night.

Here is my issue - I want my baby. Ok, besides that... This roller coaster is killing me. The week of the list is always brutal for me. Just the up and down of it all. The anticipation of getting "the call", to not actually getting a call, then waiting for Thursday to possibly getting a call for a re-released file, to not getting a call then either. It's too much. Did I mention that I don't do roller coasters? Not even at Disney World. I am a "It's a Small World" ride kind of gal. On my craziest day, I may throw in Pirates of the Caribbean, but you know that part in the beginning of that ride that dips (drops?) you down a little? Yeah, I always have a knot in my tummy waiting for that part. That is all the thrill I need, thankyouverymuch. So this roller coaster that I am currently on? NOT my idea of a good time.

I do have to say that these last few weeks, I have been pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I sort of knew deep down that we weren't getting a call from the April list. I just had a hunch. So when the call never came, I wasn't surprised. I don't have any hunches this time. Actually, in April I kind of felt like May would be our month. Now I don't necessarily feel that way. I am really numb about the whole thing.

We are really needing to be matched this summer in order to travel by the end of the year. We are desperately counting on that tax refund to help with the finances. If we travel after January 1, 2012, the refund will become a credit. A tax credit doesn't help us. I know that probably sounds terrible and I don't mean it that way. We are just really hopeful that we travel in time to qualify. That would be a huge burden lifted. If we don't, I don't know what we will do.

Will you please pray for us? There is a lot up in the air but the bottom line... I just want my baby. To see her face. To know her name and where she is from.

BRAD AND HIS CAKE

2011-05-14T19:20:00.000-04:00

This. Cracks. Me. Up!

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

2011-05-02T22:20:00.000-04:00

I got a ladies apparel catalog in the mail today. Let me just share some of the gems from the catalog:

I am genuinely concerned! What does this mean? When did this happen?

When did I cross over? When did I become so old that I get these type of catalogs? Well I can tell you, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

NEW MONTH, NEW FUNDRAISER!

2011-05-01T20:05:00.001-04:00

We have been so blessed by people that have wanted to help us raise money! Our Baby Bobo fundraiser finished up yesterday. I am not sure how much we raised there yet. I'll let you know later. Thanks so much to Ashley for offering to help us!

This month, we are having a Tastefully Simple party! The party itself will be May 14th, 11am in the church fellowship hall for those that are local. For those that are not, you can place an order online. If you go to Tastefully Simple - you can choose to browse their products. Once you are done, you go to your shopping cart. Under your total on the right hand side, you will "Your Host or Event". You click the red Find Host button, and it will take you to a place to add my name. If you don't know my last name, and you would like to place an order, leave a comment with your email. I will send it to you!

If you have never had any Tastefully Simple products, let me tell you- they are delicious! I can tell you that I have never tasted anything that wasn't awesome. The Key Lime Cheese Ball is my favorite!! Everything is very easy to make, and it is super quick!

Also just for fun, I am going to be raffling off The Perfect Ten!

The Perfect Ten is 10 of the best selling Tastefully Simple products! Here is a list of what is included (be sure to click each item listed. It will take you to a product description):

ABSOLUTELY ALMOND POUND CAKE MIX

BOUNTIFUL BEER BREAD MIX VALUE PACK

CORN, BLACK BEAN SALSA

GARLIC GARLIC

KEY LIME CHEESE BALL MIX

NANA'S APPLE CAKE MIX

ONION ONION

PERFECT PARMESAN BISCUIT MIX

SEASONED SALT

SPINACH & HERB DIP MIX

Doesn't that list make you hungry??? I am seriously tempted to go get the Nana's Apple Cake Mix out of the basket and bake it! UGH! The temptation is going to kill me!

Raffle tickets are only $1!! If want a chance to win this basket of yummy food, you can use my donate button on the side bar or you can just give me a $1 when you see me, and I will be sure to include your name in the drawing! To increase your chances of winning, feel free to buy more tickets! Each $1 donated will buy you an entry!

The drawing will be held Saturday morning, May 14th, at the Tastefully Simple party! If you win and you are not local, I will get it in the mail to you as soon as possible! If you win, and you notice the Nana's Apple Cake Mix is missing... well, just know I caved.

WOO HOO! Also, thanks to Linda Greene who so graciously offered to help us with this fundraiser!

CONTENTMENT AND FEAR

2011-04-30T01:24:00.000-04:00

For a long time now, I have let fear and discontentment rule my life. I have always been a "the grass is greener on the other side" kind of person. In the times when I wasn't dwelling on my discontentment, I was dwelling on fear.

My heart has been so burdened lately thinking about our adoption and how it plays a role in my contentment. What happens once Willa gets home? How long will I be content then? Will I then just let fear control me?

My bible study on Wednesday was about restoration and joy. Not just joy, but true joy in Jesus. It was about finding Him in the midst of trials and sometimes He ordains the trials so when restoration comes, His glory will shine through. When I got done with the study, I just had this huge smile on my face. I got it. I really got it! When Brad came home, I told him all about it. He said to me, "Michele, I think you finally found true contentment." I just looked at him, and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. He was right! For the first time in my life, I found true contentment. It was not in a material thing. It was not in a finalized adoption.

It is in my SAVIOR!

For the first time, my heart was in line with my head. I mean I knew that true joy is found in Jesus, but I really, really felt it on Wednesday. I could literally feel the release of my fears. I knew in that instance if nothing ever worked out the way I hoped, it wouldn't matter.

I knew in that moment that if my worst fears came true, I would be able to get through them because of Him. His strength and His love. Eternity with my Savior. That is ultimately all that matters. Sure, there are hard times here on Earth, but soon, I will be with my Father in Heaven. It makes everything here pale in comparison.

I long for the day when that trumpet sounds and we meet Him in the sky! I long for the day when I am worshiping Him face to face. I am content! I am joyful! I am free from fear! I have an eternity secure with my Creator! Brad asked a really good question -For eternity, if you could have Jesus but no heaven, would that be ok? What about being in Heaven with no Jesus, would you still want to go? Can you honestly say He is enough? ABSOLUTELY!

It makes me think of the chorus of a Casting Crowns song:

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified, freely forever
One day He's coming
OH GLORIOUS DAY!

He is my portion. He is my inheritance. He is all I need!

SIDE BAR HAPPENINGS

2011-04-21T13:18:00.003-04:00

Maybe you noticed my side bar updates------------------------>
if so, let me share a few things:

1. The Sparrow Fund - just click the picture and it will take you directly to The Sparrow Fund website. Thanks to TSF, we will be using CHOP to review Willa's medical file. I am so relieved to know this! They are accepting applications for grants - if you are waiting for a referral, go to TSF and apply! They are doing a great work!

2. April is coming to a close, and our Baby Bobo fundraiser is too. If you haven't placed an order and plan to, now is your chance! Also, for the month of May, Baby Bobo will be raising funds for The Sparrow Fund, so April and May are great months to make a purchase! You get a beautiful baby blanket (or bib or pillow) and you help raise money for families adoption children!

3. My fundraising thermometer keeps growing in the goal funds area, and that's because our fees keep growing. Sigh. I did change the goal to reflect the total amount needed, and not just what we are short. So that is why it is so much higher. But notice I also changed the amount we currently have! So that is good news! Jesus keeps providing!

So that is it for the side bar. I do also want to share that we got an email from our agency today telling us that the new shared list will be out Monday night. They also shared some new statistics with us, so it is nice to be somewhat clued in to this process. Anyway, I believe our agency matches families based on log in dates, so we should be near the top of the list. Our log in is 2/4/10. So hopefully that puts us at an advantage.

Please, please pray with us. I want my Father's will above all else. I want His timing. However, He also tells us that He gives us the desires of our hearts. So with that in mind, here are some specific things, if you don't mind:

1. Please pray that Willa is on THAT LIST! There are many reasons we are asking that - 1. We just want to see our daughter's face. 2. We are still hopeful to avoid the new fees (almost $4000). 3. We are just so ready to be done with this process. 4. The longer it takes to be matched, the longer my little girl has to live in a orphanage.

2. Please pray for the money we are short. As you can see, it is still around $21,000. That does include that new fee, so maybe less.

3. Please pray for Willa as she waits.

Thanks guys! Hopefully this time next week, I will be starring at a beautiful little Chinese face plastered all over my house! LOL!

GREAT NEWS

2011-04-17T21:23:00.000-04:00

We got some great news this week! First of all, we received our I-800A approval yesterday. We are approved through July 11, 2012. I have to be honest, if we do not have Willa home by then, I will need to be hospitalized, complete with straight jacket. LOL! For all of you USCIS stalkers - our receipt date was 3/11, fingerprint date 4/11. So, that was pretty quick! We have a super nice officer, so maybe that helped? I don't know, but it is nice for something to go smoothly. It's also nice to have that and my homestudy update done and behind us.

Also, I have a huge praise! Last time we had a referral reviewed by a medical doctor, we got a great report. In fact, she said that it would be a "happily ever after" case. Well, clearly she was wrong. Very wrong. So I have been nervous about who we would use when we got another referral. I have done research and it is quite expensive to have a full medical review. Now, don't get me wrong, it is totally worth it. It is a necessity. But, it was a necessity we couldn't afford. Anyway, not long ago, we heard about The Sparrow Fund. It is a organization that offers grants to families for medical reviews! You don't have to use their list of hospitals. You get to pick the medical professional to review your referral. If you are awarded a grant, then The Sparrow Fund pays for your medical review. How wonderful is that? It is such a load off a pre-adoptive parent's mind knowing they can have that resource available.

Well, guess what? We were awarded a grant! I am so relieved! We have chosen Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. They have an international adoption program and come highly recommended. They offer pre-adoption support, travel support, and post adoption report. I have been in contact already, and they are so nice and helpful! What a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that when we do get a referral, I have an awesome team of doctors lined up, ready to help!

Praise Jesus! His provision continues to amaze me. I know I often have pity parties for myself. Sometimes I doubt that things are moving forward for us, then my sweet Abba shows me that He has been moving and working all along. He is never late! We got the grant just in time for the new shared list release! Isn't that a hoot?

We are ready Lord! Show me my girl!

HUMBLE APPRECIATION

2011-04-10T23:14:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say thank you to all the caring people that commented on my last blog post. I can't begin to tell you how much your comments and prayers mean to me.

It is truly humbling to see the number of people that genuinely care about us and our journey. Thank you all so very much!

Love,

Michele

DISCOURAGED

2011-04-07T23:27:00.000-04:00

With last week being so great, I guess I should have expected Satan to hit hard this week. Well, he didn't disappoint. This week has been hard. As hard as it's been, you would think that I would be running to the arms of my Savior, but I haven't. It's hard to explain - its like I have this inner conflict that desperately needs prayer, yet I am struggling with it all.

It started when I found out that the CCAA implemented new post placement requirements (have I blogged about that already?). The old requirements were 3 post placement reports - one self report at 1 month, one social worker report at 6 months and one social worker report at 12 months. The new requirements are 6 post placement reports all done by the social worker at 1 month, 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, 3 years, and 5 years. I understand the point in these visits, don't get me wrong, it is just a lot of extra meetings. I can probably speak for the adoptive community when I say once you get your child home, you want to be done with agencies, social workers, paper work and FEES. The thought of dragging all of this out for FIVE years is daunting.

Then I get the email with the new required fees of all those visits. Keep in mind that we have already paid $1700 for the three we were originally told about. Well, the new fees due in addition to the $1700 are $3800! Thirty Eight Hundred Dollars more. When I got the email, I was sick! What in the world? How are we suppose to come up with that, when we are already so short? I am still unsure how that whole thing will pan out.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, my mom calls me today. She tells me that she ran into one of my husband's family members. She chatted with him for a bit, and he brings up our adoption. He actually said to her, "Well, we just need to pray that it never happens." He went on to say that "the children from China will bring diseases and such into our country." He said that you never know what that child is carrying, and they just need to pray it never happens for us. My mom said she was in shock! Her reply to him was that she was not going to pray that, she was going to pray for Jesus' will for our lives and if His will includes a little Chinese girl, then so be it. I still can't wrap my mind around that. How hurtful!

I let things like that upset me. It hurts my feelings. Honestly, it breaks my heart. How could someone not want a little one to have a family? And they bring diseases into our country? What? Anyway, I called Brad immediately and he helped me feel better. He reminded me that we have never let those kind of comments affect us before, why now? He also said that she is our daughter and what they think doesn't matter in any way. Still it bothers me.

Then on top of all of that... I am really feeling defeated with the whole matching thing. I never expected a match right away, but I guess I hoped it would be quicker. I guess I thought since we have had such a rough time, we would have a high priority on the list of waiting families. I am realizing we got back in line just like everyone else. Who knows when we will get a match. It could be next week, it could be 2 years from now. It is anybody's guess.

Let me summarize this post for you:

*We will have to be involved with our agency for FIVE years after Willa comes home.
*We are no longer short $16000, we are short almost $21000.
*People suck.
*We may never get a referral.

How's that for a pity party tonight? I think I nailed it.

MIDDLE NAME??

2011-04-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

So I have been thinking for a while that I am not loving the name Hope. Actually, that is not true, I really do love it, but I fear it's too popular. So I am in search for a new middle name for Willa. I will consider using her Chinese name as her middle name, but I need a back up in case it doesn't sound good with Willa.

So throw some names at me... what sounds good with Willa??

BABY BOBO

2011-04-04T15:51:00.001-04:00

My sweet, sweet friend, Ashley, has offered to host another fundraiser for us! I am in awe at such generous people that are offering their time, resources and money to help us bring Willa home!

Ashley is the owner of Baby Bobo. You have to check the site out! She makes the cutest baby blankets, bibs, and pillows. We have one of the Loves and I have never felt a blankey so soft. I would love to have a Whooby Grande for Willa.

I am so excited about this fundraiser! Thank you so much to Ashley for helping us! The fundraiser will go through April. If you know someone that has a little one or is going to be having a baby, Baby Bobo is the perfect gift! They are customizable too!

PRAISE!

2011-04-01T20:51:00.000-04:00

What a week! I am still in absolute awe of the work that Jesus has done this week! Our Thirty One fundraiser came to a close. Thank you to everyone that helped by placing an order. The amount we raised was $165.00!! Thank you so much to Michelle, who so generously offered to host the fundraiser for us. What a blessing!

Also, we received an anonymous gift from someone at church for $300.00!! Woo hoo! Isn't that awesome? I couldn't believe it! What a precious church family we have!

Then, we received a generous gift of $1000.00!!!!! Can you believe it? I am in absolute awe of Jesus' provision. I simply am in shock at the way He has worked on our behalf. I tell you, Jesus' heart if for the orphan. If you take that first step in faith, He will do the rest. He has proven Himself glorious and faithful, time and time again through our journey. The best part? He isn't finish. He is saving the best for last. He has moved mountains on our behalf and the behalf of my little one waiting in China.

So our grand total this week is $1465.00!!

Just when you think surely He is done blessing us - He shows us He is never done! I have another wonderful answer to prayer. You know, I have posted many times about travel and how I longed for my family to be with me. If you remember, it was all of us traveling, or me having to travel alone again. Well, we are still planning for all of us to travel. That is just where my heart is, but we do have a plan B. A plan B that I feel really good about. My mom is unable to take off two consecutive weeks of work, so that has never been an option for us. However, we talked last week and we have figured out a "loophole"! LOL! She has offered to take off three days the first week we are gone, while my stepdad takes off two. Then the next week, they will flip it. It really is the perfect solution if the children can't travel with us. Actually, Anna will still travel with us like last time. The boys would stay with my parents. I would feel awful leaving them, but they would really do well with my parents. I decided to sit down and talk with Jackson about the possibility of him not traveling. He said to me, gosh, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of it. He said, "Mom. We can stay with Bubba (my mom) and Papa. We will do whatever it take to get that baby sister home!!" I just bawled! Bless his sweet little heart. I know they would have a great time. Honestly, it would be the easier thing to do. The thought of my boys in China... well, it would be a challenge. LOL. Totally worth it, but a challenge nonetheless. Hehe.

So all of that to say, my husband is going to China with me!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO! I can tell he is looking forward to it too. He keeps saying, "When I get to China, I am eating duck!" Or, "When I get to China, I am going to see the Great Wall!" I can not tell you how relieved I am. Seriously, everytime I think of it, I just can't stop grinning!

So the Lord is working BIG TIME for our family! Now I just need to get a referral!! LOL!

Thank you Jesus!

FRIDAY IS THE LAST DAY!

2011-03-23T20:54:00.000-04:00

Hi guys! I just wanted to let everyone know that the last day to place a Thirty One order for our fundraiser is Friday! If you haven't placed an order yet, and want to, now is the chance!!

www.thirtyone.com/michelledancy

Thanks so much!!!! We are still $17,000 short! ACK! I am trusting Jesus to provide though!!

BUDDHA

2011-03-23T16:54:00.000-04:00

If know me at all, you know I love Asian decor. I always have, long before we discovered that the Lord was leading us to adopt a child from Asia. I remember being in middle school and being convinced that I was going to marry Thang Nguygen. LOL. I didn't. Instead, I married the whitest boy on the planet. But that's neither here nor there now I suppose. Anywho.....

When we bought our house, I had my heart set on a "Chinese kitchen". I painted it red, and filled it with Asian decor. I loved it then, and I love it now. One day during that time, I stumbled across this little beauty...

Now, I am not going to lie. I love it. Brad hates it. I understand that it is Buddha, but I am not worshipping it. I just like the way it looks. When I was a little girl, I remember my grandmother (not Willa, my other grandmother) had Buddhas everywhere. She was Catholic. She didn't worship Buddha either, she just liked them. So I saw no harm in my little treasure from Target. Brad on the other hand disagreed. He hated it. He couldn't understand why I would want it, but being the kind of man Brad is, he just tolerated me it.

So today we were talking about how lately, I have felt like Jesus was far away. I was telling Brad that I have felt like He isn't hearing my prayers, no matter how desperately I have cried out to Him. Then Brad said, "Maybe because you have an idol in our kitchen." Huh? I didn't understand what he was saying. An idol? We ended up having this long talk about my Buddha.

I never really considered what he was saying. He (and he is very wise about the bible and things of that nature) was telling me that it doesn't matter that I, personally, don't worship Buddha. I am still allowing an idol, with all of its evil attachments, into our home. Huh. That has really given me something to ponder today.

I believe in the "spiritual" world. Forces unseen to humans. Could having something "UnChristian" in our home allow a foot hold, so to speak, for an evil presence? I guess I never really thought of it that way... I am curious to hear other peoples opinions on this, so please share.

For what it's worth, my Buddha is now gone. After I got off the phone with Brad, I immediately came into the kitchen and threw it away. Brad came home for lunch and said, "Gosh! Our house already feels more peaceful!" LOL! Whatever. I told him "Good, I work hard on the feng shui." I thought he might slap me! HAHAHA!

SO PROUD

2011-03-18T21:01:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have noticed Brad talking to himself, kind of under his breath, a lot. I thought maybe he was just getting senile in his old age. LOL. He's also been spending quite a bit of time with his guitar. Turns out, my talented little hubby has been writing songs! How cool is that? He has teamed up with a guy at church and they have been cranking them out! He has shared a few with me and they are really good. I mean really good. Well, he sang one in church the other day. It was so neat to see his name on the copyright info when he put the words on the giant screens. Anyway, I thought I would share the song with you guys. I'm so proud. Here it is, "Song of Forgiveness". Music and lyrics by Brad C.!

By the way, how stinkin cute is he?

DEAR MOUNTAIN DEW

2011-03-15T23:08:00.000-04:00

I am so sorry to be writing you a "Dear John" letter. I just can't be with you anymore. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with you, it's me. I love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart. I tried to gradually spend less time with you, but that isn't working for me anymore. I must break up with you completely.

It will hurt for a while. But once I rid my body of all the negative things you leave behind, I will feel better. Try not to be so sad. I will see you around. Brad still wants to be with you. You will still have your special place in my fridge. Just no longer in my hand...

Try to move on without me.

*Disclaimer* - To Pepsi, Co - I am sorry if you have to file for bankruptcy now. That is not my intention. I hope you can still sell enough of your glorious sodas without my support.

CHILDREN OF GOD

2011-03-14T17:10:00.002-04:00

This is the official video for Third Day's song, "Children of God". It is awesome. The message is powerful. We are all children of God. Think about that for a minute - think about how much you love your children or how much your parents love you. God's love for us is more than that love. More than we can wrap our mind around. Isn't that amazing? He adopted us, through Jesus Christ, to be His sons and daughters. His very own. It's hard to think of ourselves as "His very own" sometimes, isn't it? Watch the video until the very end. Please. I promise you, you don't want to miss the message.

I will leave you with these verses. Think on them for a minute. Even if you have read them before, stop and really dwell on them. What is God saying to you? Does He have a fresh message for you today? I bet He does.

Ephesians 1: 3-8
3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. 4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. 5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.t 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. 8 He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

AGENCY INFO

2011-03-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

There has been some talk lately about different agencies and how they match families from the shared list. It can be pretty competitive in nature. Some agencies stay up the night the shared list comes out so they can be aggressive in matching their families. Other agencies wait until the next business morning to try to match their families.

I can tell you that I would have loved to know which agencies matched at night before I signed with one. Fortunately, America World does indeed stay up the night the list comes out, so it worked out great for me. Other families are not so lucky. They had to find out the hard way. As nerve wracking as the list is, I can't imagine how bonkers I would be if AWAA did not match as soon as the list comes out. Anyway, my friend Kristen did a poll on which agencies do stay up and I thought I would share it here. I think it is very helpful information!

Agency Name	Available at night?
A Helping Hand	Yes
Adoption Associates Inc.	Yes
Americans Adopting Orphans	Yes
Bay Area Adoption Services (BAAS)	Yes
Bethany	No
Children's Home Society and Family Services	Yes
Chrysalis	Yes
Dillon	Yes
EACI Inc.	Yes
European Adoption Consultants (EAC)	Yes
FTIA (Families Through International Adoption)	Yes
Gladney	Yes
Great Wall China Adoption (GWCA)	Yes
Holt	Yes
Lifeline Adoption	Yes
Living Hope Adoption Agency	Yes
Nightlight Christian Adoption	Yes
Small World Adoptions	Yes
Spence Chapin	Yes
WACAP	Yes
WASATCH	Yes
Wide Horizons fir Children (WHFC)	Yes

Hopefully, this list will be helpful! Let me know if you want to add your agency to the list, if it isn't already represented.

HEART ATTACK

2011-03-05T00:36:00.000-05:00

Today around 2:30 or so, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and it was a VA number. I immediately knew it was my agency. So I answered it, my heart began to race! It was my family coordinator. She politely said hello, and asked if it was a good time to talk. HELLO? YES! My heart rate was climbing. Well, she was calling to talk to me about a mission opportunity. SIGH. I think there should be a rule that if you are waiting for a referral, your agency should not be allowed to call your house.

AWAA is getting a group of people together to go to Guizhou, China in July. It is a missions trip, and the people going will be doing some work and loving on the kids there. I sent an email earlier this week requesting information. It is definitely something I would love to participate in, but this year probably wouldn't work. I was just curious about the details/cost more than anything.

I am trying not to read between the lines here, but I can't help but find hope in her call. She was calling to tell me I am welcome to participate, but she recommends waiting. She said if we received a referral, traveling to China for a mission trip in the summer would be too close to traveling to pick up Willa. I completely agree, and like I said, I was mostly just curious. The "thing" that got me though was she has always been very conservative when I have asked her about when we could get a referral. She has always made me feel like it could be a long time. In fact, she made my social worker have a chat with us about the "potentially long wait". So the fact that she discouraged me from signing up for a mission trip traveling in July just made me think maybe, just maybe, she feels like it would conflict with our adoption travel.

Now like I said, I could totally be over thinking this... but! That was the whole purpose for her call. So maybe it wont be long! I have to find hope where I can get it! LOL!

I have to be honest - I live a pretty boring life. When the call came today, I could literally feel a surge of adrenalin. After I hung up the phone, I felt like I had just stepped off of Space Mountain. Shaky, heart racing, a little nauseous. HAHA! It took quite a while for me to relax after that. It is insane what one phone call can do, especially when it wasn't the phone call you hoped it would be. If I felt like that after hanging up today, how am I going to feel when the real call comes?

FUNDRAISER!

2011-03-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

I am so excited to share this fundraiser with you guys! Why? Because I love the product! It's a product I feel good about, and feel good about encouraging you to buy! Thirty One!!

A couple of weeks ago, I got a comment from Michelle, a fellow adoptive mommy, offering to help me do a fundraiser. She is so so so generous, and offered me her commission to put toward our adoption costs. Isn't that awesome? Who can turn down an offer like that? So here we are! If you would like to place an order, all you need to do is go to her website Thirty One, click place an order, and it will take you to a link to place an order. It will say "Michele's Adoption Fundraiser".

I am really excited! If you are willing, please place an order! Mother's Day is coming up! They have great spring prints and they are having a great sale right now! Check it out!

BASKET FULL OF GOODIES

2011-02-28T21:36:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the last 2 years, I have collected quite a bit of stuff for Miss Willa. I thought for fun, I would share some of her goodies here. My favorite thing is a baby carrier. I don't have a photo of it, but it's the exact same sling that I had for Julianna. It is so comfortable, and it will be perfect to carry my little girl in while we are in China! I can't wait! Anyway, here are just a few things we have for her...

Sweet little doll with her name on it (from my baby sister. Thanks Jordy!)

Another baby doll with a little lovie.

Beautiful baby book complete with great pages to fill out for her. Also a matching photo album (already loaded with pictures of her family and friends!).

I guess that is all for now. We have a lot of stuff for her, but I wont bore you with all of that. It is just so much fun to look through her big basket of stuff and think about her. Imagine her playing with her soft little baby doll from Aunt Jordan. Or think about her snuggling in my lap looking at her photo album.

One day I wont have to imagine. One day, she will be here, settled into her family. I hope it is sooner rather than later...

TRUST

2011-02-27T22:28:00.002-05:00

Something dawned on me this week. It is profound. I knew this with my head, but I didn't know it in my heart. When it hit me, it really hit me.

Jesus has a plan.

For me, for my life. A plan that makes my plan look lame. For a while now, I have been praying for what I thought was best. I have been praying for my timing. In my prayers, I laid it all out for God, 'cause He might need my help, ya know.

Um, wrong. Seriously, I really thought He might need me to help Him along. I was getting dressed the other day, and I thought, "WAIT! He doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to explain to Him how it all needs to play out." I heard something this weekend that literally changed my life...

God doesn't need me...He wants me.

Think about that for a minute. If I could imagine my best case scenario, the perfect story... it would still not be as great as what Jesus has for me. This completely changes my perspective. The more I thought about it, the more I felt Him speaking to me.

He is enough.

If none of my "plans" ever work out the way I hope, He is enough. He alone. Nothing else matters. One day, this life will be over. One day I will find myself standing, actually kneeling, at my sweet Jesus' feet. I will be face to face with my Savior. That's what matters. When I begin to focus on eternity and not the here and now, that is when I find complete Peace.

Funny how different things are when you truly focus on Him. Everything in the background fades away. Every worry. Every heartache. Every loss. Everything.

I don't ever want to take my eyes off of Him.

TRAVEL, AGAIN

2011-02-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

Travel. That "little" thing that is always in the back of my mind. The most anxiety producing part of this journey (ok, we one of the most). When I first came home from China in July of last year, I said I would never, ever go again without Brad. The loneliness I experienced while there was the deepest loneliness I have ever felt. I have never in my life felt more alone and more afraid. It was awful.

Right after we decided to be matched again, we talked about it and decided that I would have to travel alone again. There is just no way we can afford otherwise. Coming up with the money needed for just one of us to travel is difficult. There is no way we can afford for anyone else to travel with me.

When I think about that, it makes me break out into a cold sweat. My heart starts racing, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The thing is, if Brad travels with me, then the kids have to come. We just do not have anyone that we are comfortable with leaving them for that long. Not to mention, there isn't anyone they would be comfortable with.

I am wondering what I could do in the meantime to raise the money needed for them. What could I do or sell? There has be something that I could do, ya know? Somehow there just has to be a way they could go with me.

Am I wrong for wanting them to go? Is that selfish of me? It feels so frivolous, and I don't mean it that way. It just literally makes my heart ache thinking about it.

THE LIST

2011-02-18T22:33:00.000-05:00

Well, the new list is coming out on Monday night. It's going to be a long weekend. I already have this pit in my tummy that doesn't seem to want to go away. There is a huge part of me that feels like she will not be on this list. The mere thought of that makes me want to burst into tears. I don't know... I am just so ready to bring my baby home. I am so ready to get on that plane and head to China. Knowing that it is months (and possibly more months) away, is almost too much to bear.

If you have a minute, will you please, please pray for us? Specifically, would you please pray that we see our daughter's face on Monday? Also, that her file is complete, and accurate.

I simply can not do this without prayers. Thank you all so much. It means the world to me. There is power in prayer!

VALENTINE'S DAY

2011-02-14T22:51:00.004-05:00

We don't really do sitters, so I knew a nice Valentine's date with my hubby wasn't going to happen. I figured since I couldn't go to dinner with Brad, Julianna could. A daddy, daughter date. She was so very excited! We really should spend more one on one time with each of the littles. They just love the undivided attention. I told her that she could dress up if she wanted, and I would even curl her hair. She couldn't wait! So I got her dressed, and she waited on her daddy to get home from work. When he got home, he gave her a single pink rose. She was giddy! It was so sweet! She looked so pretty!

Brad told me not to expect them home immediately after dinner because he needed to go to the funeral home to pay his respects to a church member's family. I tell ya, nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" like a trip to the funeral home. ~~BWAHAHAHAHAHA~~ It's not funny.

Right before they left, Brad handed me my Valentine present. Um. Yeah, there are no words. He gave me a cherry Laffy Taffy. Complete with the $0.99 sticker and it was warm because clearly, it had been in his pocket. It's a tasty treat and entertainment. Candy complete with jokes. My man? Yeah, he's so romantic.

So the boys and I decided we would go on our own date. We piled in the car, and headed to Taco Bell. I have to say, it was really nice just being with the boys. We giggled a lot (why is it that boys think it is so funny when someone toots? And by someone, I mean Jameson. Over and over. Loudly. In Taco Bell.). It was really a great time!

Who knew Valentine's day with Laffy Taffy, Taco Bell and toots could be so great?! Brad and Julianna's nice dinner and trip to the funeral home had nothing on our date!

HUNGRY

2011-02-12T21:03:00.044-05:00

I recently started a new Beth Moore bible study. It's called "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things". I will be honest, when I first began, I felt a little "above" (for lack of a better word) the things Beth was discussing in the study. The first week talks about being seduced by Satan and the world. While I am not perfect, by any means, I just didn't feel like I struggled with a lot of the issues she addressed. I promise I don't mean that I am unteachable - quite the opposite. It's just I didn't feel like I was being "seduced". To me, that word mostly means sexual things. I can say with 100% certainty, I do not struggle with any type of sexual sin or temptation. So how could this study apply to me?

Boy was I wrong! I am so glad when I am wrong about stuff like this! I am so glad I didn't quit. I am learning the word "seduction" doesn't just apply to things sexual in nature. I am learning that you can be seduced by Satan in many areas. Areas that include anything you allow to tempt you - food, gossip, anything really.

The study goes on to talk about Peter. How God allowed Satan to "sift" Peter like wheat. It really made me think - sifting like wheat. Refining. Could it be that God has been sifting me? I think so. I think He is still sifting me. I think I am learning that I can not rely on my own strength. I can not rely of anything of this world. I can only rely on Him. Everything is completely out of my hands and out of my power.

This bible study has created a hunger in me. I want to know more. I want to be able to see when the enemy is trying to seduce me. I want to be strong in my faith and in my relationship with Jesus, to stand against the enemy's schemes. I don't want to put this study down. It has planted little seeds that I want to explore. For instance, I want to know more about fasting. I get the basic thought behind it, but I really want to understand it. Another thing I discovered is that I want to learn to read Greek or Hebrew. There have been a few verses that I looked up, and if I had of been able to read those verses in Greek, I would have gotten so much more out of it. The verses do not change in any way, but reading them in Greek brings a deeper meaning. I am intrigued!

I really feel like Jesus has something to tell me. I feel He is drawing me close for a specific reason. I am not going to stop until I hear Him loud and clear.

While I am posting, can I ask a prayer request (the bible study also points out the importance of intercessory prayer. It said that if you don't have a group of people praying for you, find some!)? I have a few, if you would please pray for our family, I would really appreciate it! I would be honored to do the same for you, please leave a comment with any request you may have! Anyway, here are my requests:

*The new waiting child list comes out soon (maybe the 21st). Please pray that, God willing, Willa is on it!

*I am starting to get more and more nervous about reviewing a file. What if it isn't accurate again? Please pray that her file will be complete and an accurate representation of Willa's medical needs. No surprises.

*Finances - we are still about $6,000 short (actually that alone is a miracle. 6 months ago I never would have dreamed being matched again was even possible financially.)

*Timing. While I deeply want God's timing, I know His timing is perfect, I desperately want my baby girl. There is this sense of urgency in my spirit. It is heart wrenching.

That is all, for now. Thank you so much. I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day!!

SHOPPING

2011-02-09T16:39:00.001-05:00

A few months back, my in-laws gave us a new couch. I love the couch and since we got it, I have been searching for the perfect comfy chair to match. I stumbled across this beauty Eames Lounge Chair at one of my favorite online stores. I love it! I love that it's contemporary and cool. When I grow up, I am going to have a completely contemporary house. Very Frank Lloyd Wright-esque.

Anyway, I am going to be providing a review for an item from CSN Stores soon. I so wish I could "test out" that chair I posted above. LOL. I am unsure what I will be reviewing, but I will be sure to share all the details when I know. How fun, right?

I should have been a product tester or a restaurant critic. I have no problems telling people what I think. I missed my calling, don't you think?

PRESERVE THE INNOCENCE!

2011-02-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

A while back, my friends were having a discussion on the book Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girly-Girl Culture.

I have to admit, I had never heard of it, but I was annoyed by the thought. Most of you know how much I loooove Disney, and all things Disney. How could anyone think that the Princesses were "poisoning" my daughter? Come on. I didn't really chime in on the conversation because my momma taught me if I do not have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say it at all.

So fast forward to today. I was reading an article in a magazine called "Little Girls Gone Wild". It was about the author's opinion on the Cinderella Ate My Daughter book, as well as her thoughts on raising her own daughter. The more I read, the more I thought, "YES!"

I have always taught Julianna the importance of modesty. We don't do little girl bikini's, pants with words written across the bum, or things like that. Honestly, I thought that was enough. I never thought about all the other ways our world sexualizes our young daughters.

The article makes it a point to say being sexy is not the same thing as being sexualized. This is what really got to me. She went on to say that it isn't only about imposing sexuality on children, but valuing a girl for her appearance over other attributes.

It really made me stop and think. My first thought was, "This is ridiculous. How could anyone think that Cinderella or Ariel would send a negative message to my child?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized that selling little high heal plastic shoes to 2 year olds is opening a door to sexuality. Sure every kid wants to dress up and pretend. I get that, I really do. Does my child have a closet full of dress up clothes and little high heels? Yes. Will I take those things away? No. But think about it - someone out there is marketing sexy grown up clothes to our daughters. Think about your average toy aisle at Walmart. It is filled with finger nail polish, lip gloss, make up, fancy dresses, high heals, and boa feathers. If a grown up had all of that on, what would you think? You would think sexy. Right?

So if we open this door with our daughters now, where do we have to go as she grows? Higher heels, shorter skirts, more revealing bathing suits, more make up. Think about Miley Cyrus (Well, you know, any child star. Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears.). It always starts out as a cutesy girl that appeals to younger girls. The more time goes on, the more that cutesy star becomes more and more sexy. Miley Cyrus performed with a stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards! A stripper pole! Yeah, that's a role model for you!

So what do we do in this age to protect our daughters by being exploited by the media, marketing, and "role models"? We have to teach them to find value in who they are, not how they look. We have to monitor the shows they watch, the music they listen to, the friends they choose. It scares me to think that we are constantly teaching our children to "grow up and be sexy" without even realizing it.

Its out there, and it's subtle. Take notice before it's too late.

ONE YEAR AGO

2011-01-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe it's a year since we received the call saying we had been matched. I never thought this time last year, that I would be embarking on the hardest year of my life. I never thought that we would face such trials and difficult times.

Just when I think I have healed and processed all that happened, I am broadsided by something that reminds me that the hurt and the pain are still very fresh and raw. I thought by this time our little girl would have been home six months, and finding her place in our family. Instead, I don't even know who our little girl is...

Then my thoughts drift to Xiao Xiao. I think of her often. More often than you could imagine. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if her family has traveled yet. I wonder what it would have been like if we had of brought her home. I wish I could get an update on her and see how she is doing. A couple of weeks ago I dreamed about her. I dreamed that we decided we had made a huge mistake and we figured out a way to bring her home after all. She was here, living with us. It was like it was suppose to be. She was here and happy. She did not have the physical and mental needs we were faced with in China. She was just a little 5 year old girl that was now home with her family. When I woke up, my heart was literally hurting.

I so wish it could have been the way it was in my dream. I so wish that Xiao Xiao could have been Willa Hope. I hate that I left her. I hate that I didn't get to bring her home.

In the grand scheme of things, I know what happened was meant to be. I know that Xiao Xiao was never meant to be my daughter. I know that it was a part of the plan. Jesus knew all along that that child was not mine. All of that happened for a reason, I have faith in that. I still wish that it could have been different.

There is a hole in my heart for Xiao Xiao. She will always be so precious to me. Even if I couldn't be her mommy. I think back on my time with her, and I long to tell her so many things. I long to tell her that I am so sorry. I can only pray that soon she will know the love of a mommy and daddy. It breaks my heart that we aren't her family.

JUDGEMENT

2011-01-25T00:13:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about that word a lot today... judgement. The more I think about it, the more I am bothered by it.

You see today, it seems that a lot of people believe they have a right to judge. I have heard several comments over the last couple of days that were extremely judgemental and it is really not sitting right in my spirit.

I don't believe anyone ever has the right to look at another's life or choices and consider themselves better for not having made the same choice. None of us are without sin. None of us live perfect lives. Who are we to look at someone else and think we are better?

Don't get me wrong, if you have someone in your life that is living in absolute sin, maybe you should privately talk to that person and say compassionately and lovingly that the choices they are making are not in line with the bible. That's not what I am talking about though. I am talking about the "holy high horse", if you will.

We all know it, because we've all been on it from time to time. Let me give you a personal example:

Years ago, I had a friend, a very close friend, that found herself in some trouble. She came to me during that time, when she needed me the most, for support and help. I decided that I could not stand by her and support her, because I did not agree it her decisions. I was on my "holy high horse" at that time, and I just couldn't be there for her. Now this was a perfect time to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This was a perfect time to love her and pray with her. To support and encourage her in Jesus. But, no. I turned my back on her. I judged.

I guess what I am trying to say is let's look at our own hearts. Let's treat and accept others the way Jesus treats and accepts others. When we feel the urge to judge someone, let's remind ourselves that there is only ONE judge.

Understand that not everyone thinks like you do. Not everyone will make the same decisions. Sometimes, people will chose things that may be out of your comfort zone, but that doesn't make them wrong. Just because you believe something is wrong or right, doesn't make it wrong or right. What does the bible say about it?

We all dress differently. We all parent differently. We are all trying to do our best in this world. Let's build one another up. Let's love each other. Because you never know when the table may turn and it's you that's being judged. I am pretty sure you won't like it.

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG

2011-01-22T15:08:00.002-05:00

Brad gave me a cd a while ago with a bunch of new praise music he wants our church to do. I've listened to it a bunch, but it was not until recently that I actually listened to the words of this one song. It is powerful people. I mean so powerful, if I were not driving my car, I'd have to jump up with my hands raised to Jesus. Here are the lyrics...

KING OF THIS WORLD
by Jennie Lee Riddle and Crystal Yates © 2008

You find me in joy
You find me in sorrow
You’ve been seeking me today
You’ll be seeking me tomorrow
I find You in joy
I’ll find You in sorrow
I’ve been seeking You today
I’ll be seeking You tomorrow

King of this World
You're holding my hand
And as long as I hold on to You
I know I can stand

You find me in peace
You’ll find me in trouble
You will rescue me today
You will rescue me tomorrow
I find You in peace
I’ll find You in trouble
I will rest in You today
I will rest in You tomorrow

Because You’re here
I fear no evil
Because You’re here
The way is made straight
Because You’re here
There’s good for Your people
Because You’re here
Everything’s changed

Wow. That's good stuff. Everything's changed! Thank you Father!!

Here's the youtube video of the song, in case you want to hear it. It really is awesome!

GETTING IN THE WAY

2011-01-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

People that know me in real life, know that I am not the most patient person on the planet. In fact, when I get my mind made up about something, it has to happen *right now*. I can't relax or think about anything else until I get or do whatever it is I am thinking about at that moment.

Sometimes I wonder if I am border line obsessive compulsive. I mean I don't wash my hands 1000 times a day or anything like that, but here is a example of what I mean: Leaving the house is always stressful for me. I am so worried I have left something on. Like the dryer or curling iron. Or that I have a candle burning somewhere. I also worry that I have left the dog out or the front door open. It isn't simple worry, it is intense worry. Sometimes I have to literally fight myself to not turn the car around to go home to check. There have been times when I have turned the car around because I am just so "obsessed" with checking and rechecking.

Today has been one of those days for me. I have literally obsessed all afternoon about a referral. Or lack of one, for that matter. I have successfully convinced myself that there is no way we can get a referral with the checklist we have submitted. I have checked a ton of waiting child sites today looking at some of the kids waiting. The more I looked, the more hopeless I felt. So many faces, yet so many needs that seem so scary to me.

I sent an email to my agency, but honestly, she didn't make me feel better. Then it hit me - Jesus has provided every step of the way. Miracle after miracle. Do I really think that after all of this, He wouldn't have a child for us? He has changed my husband's heart (which could have only been divine intervention), he provided the finances (we were convinced there was no way!), he changed my husband's heart again (probably harder than the first time), he continues to provide finances... I could go on and on. There have been so many provisions that were nothing short of miraculous. And yet through all of that, I think there is no way we will get a referral? What in the world is wrong with me?

Do I not know the Creator? The Provider? The very God that has moved mountain after mountain to bring our girl home? I do. I know Him and I know He is Faithful. I know He has a plan for me and a plan for Willa. He knows who she is... He has known since the beginning of time. He has destined her to be my daughter. He isn't going to let her join a different family. She is ours. One of us. When His time is perfect, then we will see her. I need to get out of His way and let Him work.

Do I think the CCAA intimidates my God? Of course not. Do I think the shared list is too daunting for Him? No way! So I need to stop my OCD in it's tracks and just trust.

Trust. Deep breaths... TRUST.

WITH TEARS

2011-01-18T13:04:00.001-05:00

So last night, I alternated staring at the phone and staring at the clock. Waiting. Hoping. Willing that phone to ring. It didn't. Honestly, I didn't expect it to. I just hoped it would.

So this morning, I got up feeling... deflated. Disappointed. Hopeless. I don't know why. I know MY Abba has this in His Hands. I know that He is on the throne and He is faithful. I know that, yet I was still feeling hopeless. I began to really doubt everything (yeah, just call me Thomas).

Then I checked the mail.

And that was when He showed Himself faithful to me, to her, once again. That is when He said, "Michele, just because you feel hopeless, that doesn't mean you are hopeless. Just because I am not working on your time table, it doesn't mean I am not working."

We received a letter from Show Hope. We have been awarded a $3,000 grant! I literally stood in my driveway and balled. He is working. Maybe not as quickly as I would like. His ways are perfect. Mine are not. When am I going to learn to just trust? Trust with no "buts".

Wanna know something else about that letter? It was dated 1/4/2011. It was postmarked 1/12/2011. It came 1/18/2011. It was written two weeks ago and mailed 6 days ago. It came from Tennessee. It should have come 1/14/2011. It takes two days for mail to reach me from TN. But it came today. Today, when I needed it more than ever. It also came completely open and dirty. It was a miracle that it came at all considering it was completely open. Jesus is in the details guys. He knew today my heart was breaking. He knew today, I would need to be encourage.

I am in awe. In awe of my sweet Father. He loves me more than I can even imagine. He loves Willa just as much.

Praise Jesus!

MY HOT HUBBY LEADING WORSHIP

2011-01-17T19:02:00.000-05:00

He's so cute, I can't stand it! Add in the fact that he is worshipping Jesus with his talent, makes him even more awesome! Check out the video!

Oh, and two posts in one day? Yeah, when I come back, I come back BIG. LOL!

BAD BLOGGER

2011-01-17T17:17:00.000-05:00

I know I am the world's worst blogger. I really have good intentions. We have been traveling, kids have been sick, out of town visitors... those are all my excuses. Really, they are pretty good ones... LOL.

Other than all of our busy-ness, we have been pretty good. With our travels and sick kids, my kids have missed a ton of school. We started 2011 off a little ahead, which felt great. Well, not anymore! My kids missed all of last week, and by the looks of it, Jackson is going to miss this one. I suppose that is the beauty of homeschooling. Speaking of homeschooling, I need to find something to supplement with Jackson for spelling. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone have a child that struggles with spelling that can share ideas or resources? If so, please share!

On the adoption front, China will release the new shared list tonight. I am actually pretty relaxed considering I could actually see Willa's face TODAY. Honestly though, I don't feel like tonight is going to be "it" for us. Maybe that is why I feel so peaceful about it? It just doesn't seem like it will happen tonight. At this point, I just want to know the outcome. Will we? Wont we? Either way, I trust in Jesus' timing. I just hate the anticipation and waiting. I feel like I am waiting to take a pregnancy test. It could be positive, it could be negative. You just have to wait it out. I am not good at waiting it out. LOL.

If we get our "positive" tonight, I will be sure to share as much as I can tomorrow! Pray for us! In His time!

ALL OVER THE PLACE

2011-01-06T15:46:00.001-05:00

All over the place... that's where my brain is at the moment. I feel like my brain has ADD. LOL. Of course it could be the constant chatter in my ear. For instance, like right now. I thought it would be a good time to catch up in the blog world. I made us some hot tea, grabbed my laptop and sat at the table. Julianna is on one end of the table, with her tea, coloring. Jackson is between us, just sitting with his tea. Between the two of them, they have not stopped talking. To me. They really think I am the master of multi-tasking, but I can't tell you how many times I have typed what they said. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. But, sometimes a girl would like a moment of quiet. Just a moment. To think, to pray, to potty. You know how it is... Of course, on the other hand, the things you learn about your kids when you are just sitting with them! Anna told me that Jackson peed in the woods. Jackson, quickly jumping to his defense, tells me that it was an emergency. Never mind the fact that our house is as close as the woods. Boys, gotta love them. Truth be told, I am a little jealous. Anyway...

When I sat down, I had full intentions of sharing some things that have been on my heart. That isn't going to happen. Jameson just woke up, and the Fed Ex guy just delivered a birthday gift to Jackson from my mom. It needs to be assembled. And the chattering? Yeah, times three now. I guess my other post can wait until tonight.

THERAPY

2010-12-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

Therapy... in a sick sort of way. This week I have worked my hiney off cleaning and making piles to take to Good Will. You know what? It has felt awesome! My den looks so nice, my living room looks so nice, my kitchen looks so nice and the other rooms... yeah, well, I haven't gotten there yet. Tomorrow on the agenda is the kids closets. It shouldn't take long at all, because they aren't bad, I just want to weed through their clothes. I know I should box up Jackson and Julianna's clothes for their younger siblings, but ugh. I just want to get rid of it all! LOL. The way I see it is there are 4 years between my boys and will most likely be 4 years between my girls - that's a long time to hang onto clothes. I know I need to though. I am just loving the feeling of dropping off at Good Will. LOL!

Another thing I want to talk about is grocery shopping. Over the course the last month or so, we have gotten into the habit of snacking rather than preparing actual meals. I am finding that my grocery bill is outrageous! I know that the stuff I am buying and the fact that my children are eating me out of house and home are the biggest contributing factors, but come on! My family (hubby included) wont eat a lot of great meals, like meatloaf, chicken and dumplings, beef stew, etc... They are so particular. There has to be a way to lower the grocery costs and prepare decent meals at the same time. So... can anyone share tips or recipes that may help?

I am getting control of my household! HAHA! Momma's on a mission! It feels good have Christmas behind us and moving on to a better, cleaner living!

SIGH

2010-12-27T20:48:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake of reading through the old posts on my blog. I read the one from July 22nd, when we were at the airport waiting to start our adventure. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Seriously, I feel sick. Just seeing our faces - the excitement, the anticipation... it's too much. I am trying so hard to look to the future, but right now, I can't step out of the past. My heart aches for Willa, for China, for an end to this heart wrenching journey.

I am so sorry that I am always so depressing! I promise that I don't mean to be. It is just therapeutic to vent here. One day, hopefully, one day soon, things will turn around. Jesus will turn my sorrow into joy. I so look forward to that day.

Oh a lighter note - thank you to Donna and Melena for the generous donations! Seriously, thank you guys from the very bottom of my heart. You will never know how much your gift means to me.

DEEP THOUGHTS by MICHELE

2010-12-26T20:23:00.001-05:00

I have been emotional today. Not sure why... silly, I suppose. I think the weather is getting to me. I am a Charleston girl - I am not use to such cold temps. It is depressing, LOL. The older I get, the more I want to move to Florida (like I needed another reason to want to move there! HAHA!).

We had a really nice Christmas. My littles were so sweet. The joy on their little faces was the best! They were just so sweet and appreciative of everything. I love to see Christmas through their eyes. We have really gone back and forth about whether or not we wanted to spill the beans about Santa. I had been feeling guilty for "lying" to them. But, after yesterday morning seeing how excited they were, I am glad we didn't tell them. There is just something about the excitement of Santa. Ya know? I believed in Santa, and I turned out ok (no comments). For now, we are going to enjoy the "magic" that it is... Of course we talk a lot about Jesus and why we celebrate Christmas. We had a candlelight service today at church and had the Lord's Supper, and it was a perfect conclusion to the holiday. It was so sweet to have Julianna participate for the first time. It was all around a wonderful Christ filled weekend.

Of course, with the celebration of Christmas comes the longing in my heart for my other little girl that is so very far away. It has been hard for me this year. I guess because last year, I just kept thinking "next Christmas Willa will be home!", and here we are and there she is... It is hard. Surely next Christmas, surely.

Oh my gosh! Speaking of Willa, I never told you guys our update!! Brad and I had a talk about when and how a couple of weeks ago. As you remember, Brad said he really wanted to wait until we had saved $6500 before moving forward with matching. Well, we currently have $2000.00 and with all of our issues lately, $6500.00 felt like a lifetime away! Anyway, he gave me the go ahead to get the ball rolling now! So, I called our social worker and had a talk with her. Then I called our family coordinator and have a conversation with her too. This was last week. The special needs list came out on Monday and we asked to be considered for a match! Unfortnately, Willa wasn't on it this time. I have complete peace about that though. I really do. I know when God is ready, He will make her known to us. I am ready! So, we are on to the January list! Maybe I will get a special birthday present!

Needless to say, we are very short on the money needed. We are just placing our trust in Jesus. He provided before, and we are trusting him still. We need $13,000 if I travel completely alone. We are praying that I don't have to. I know that in a perfect world, my husband could travel with me. Unfortunately, that is just not an option unless a whole lot of money just appears. We at least hope that Anna can travel with me again. If she travels, we will need $16,000. Gosh, seeing that in print makes me feel nauseous. We applied for a grant, but we received a letter on Christmas Eve saying we didn't get it. We just have to trust. We have no choice. We do have a Tastefully Simple fundraiser coming up, so that gives me something to look forward too. Plus we are still selling the Show Hope T-shirts. At this time, we only have the black tree tee available. I have an order for one, 23 more to go. I am thinking about just going ahead and ordering them and praying I can sell them.

Anyway, so that is our update! Sorry it was so long! I will try to be better.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christ -Filled Christmas!

Edited to add our Christmas Eve Photo:

OUR WEEK

2010-12-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

So remember last Monday I posted about spiritual warfare and how I felt we were under attack? Um yeah. So let me give you the run down of my week:

* I got sick, started running a fever.
* We went for our adoption physicals including having blood work done. Well, they forgot (even though I told them as they were drawing it) to do the HIV and Hepatitis test on both of us. So we had to go back and have more blood work done.
*Went to Walmart to get two money orders to get our SBI clearances done. They printed one money order, and the machine broke. I had to have two.
*Got into a senseless argument with my mom.
*Julianna got sick with what I had.
*Jameson got sick, vomiting.
*Got the bill for Brad's root canals - it's $400.00 more than we thought.
*Our dryer broke.
*Jackson almost flooded our bathroom.
*Jackson did not turn off the shower, so when I turned on the water for Julianna's bath, I got drenched. So now, I am soaking wet and so are the rugs. Keep in mind my dryer is broken.
*Brad gets an oil change and finds out he needs two new tires.
*It snows and we can't have church. So the kids do not get to do their Christmas musical that my parents drove over 4 hours to see.
*My parents had to leave early because of the snow. So our Christmas visit was cut short.

I think that's it for now. Hopefully, for a while. Isn't that crazy? I mean COME ON. I am mostly just concerned about the financial aspect of it all. It worries me. What does this mean for our adoption? We are trying so hard to save money, but every time we get a little bit saved, something big happens. We do still have the money that was gifted to us, so at least there is money to pay for our homestudy update and stuff, and I guess for now, that is all that matters.

Sorry to be so whiny. I don't mean to be. In the chaos, there have been many blessings too. When we went to get fingerprinted for the SBI clearances, the lady didn't charge us. It would have been $24. So that was nice. My stepdad gave us $500 for Christmas, so that was awesome! We had an awesome friend come over today to pick up our dryer to drop it off for us at the repair place - we couldn't have done it without him (nevermind his truck got stuck in our yard and it took him and Brad pushing and me gunning it to get it up the driveway! LOL. At least it provided a little comic relief!). So even though it seems like our world is falling apart around us, I realize there is still so so so much to be thankful for. The timing of all of our "events" was a blessing in and of itself. So, I am thankful for that.

I am just ready for a break. Something warm and tropical would be nice.

INTERESTING STUFF GOING ON

2010-12-06T22:30:00.003-05:00

A couple of months ago I read this blog about spiritual warfare. I know that talking about spiritual warfare kind of creeps people out. In fact, there have lots of times when I have mentioned it, people look at me like I am crazy. It's just not something people talk about freely. Well, you know me... boat rocker that I am... I am going to talk about it.

Anyway, so I read this blogpost at Its Almost Naptime a while ago, and it really gave me something to think about. What exactly does the bible say about spiritual attacks?

Ephesians 6:10-12: 10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For wetare not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

We also know that Jesus himself had "run ins" with Satan. So while it isn't fun to talk about it, or even think about it, we need to be aware and even prepared to handle times of spiritual attack in our lives. Let me give you a little run down of our week. Actually it's just been a few days. Anyway, here goes:

* A "critter" got into our chimney and scared the daylights out of me. I really thought I was going to have to call a pest control service. It finally went away.

* It rained in our den. Seriously, it was about 9 PM the other night and it started raining in our den. My husband had to get on the roof in the storm and wind to see what was going on. Turns out, the roof at the chimney was messed up.

*My hubby got an excruciating tooth ache on Thursday. At first, we thought it would pass. The tooth looked fine. It didn't pass. We called the doctor on Friday. He told him he had to wait until Monday. Bless his heart, he had the most miserable weekend ever. He didn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He could hardly function.

*Monday comes and he goes to the dentist. Only, the dentist can't help him. He sends him to a another doctor an hour away. I had to drive him, he was in so much pain. It was awful.

*We get to the doctor where he had two emergency root canals. Two root canals + three crowns= $5000.00. Our insurance covers $1500.00.

*Our couch broke. I mean like really broke. You can't sit on the middle cushion.

and

*My van is doing a weird thing.

So that is all of the major stuff. For now. It's funny how there are seasons like this. Do I believe we are under spiritual attack? You better believe I do. Will we get through? Oh yeah...

How do we protect ourselves from a spiritual attack? Well, Ephesians 6:13-18 says:

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.t16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.t 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

So, there you have it. We will do our best to stand up to the enemy. What doesn't kill us makes up stronger, right? LOL. I look back over the last 5 months and wonder how we have survived at all. It could only be Jesus. I know when all of the trying stuff passes, we will be better for it. I will still Glorify Him no matter what. I know that I may not ever understand this side of Heaven, but I don't need to. He alone is reason for JOY!

CHRISTMAS CARD 2009

2010-12-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

Provence Holiday 2010 Holiday 5x7 folded card

Get custom holiday cards online at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

This was our Christmas card last year. I was thinking about our cards this year, and that leads me to a question. What do people really think about photo cards? I am really curious. Should it be reserved for family?

So share your thoughts. Then send me your address, so I can send you my photo card this year. LOL!

BOOK OF LIFE

2010-12-02T14:02:00.000-05:00

This morning I was talking to Julianna about the Book of Life. I was telling her that my name, daddy's name, Jackson's name and anyone that is a Christian has their name written in His book. I went on to tell her that if your name is in the Book, nothing can take it out and it seals your place in Heaven. She started crying! I asked her if she would like her name written in Jesus' book and she said yes! I told her that she would have to say a prayer to Jesus asking Him to come into her heart. She said ok! She climbed up into my lap, and repeated the prayer after me... Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I know that you died on the cross for my sins. I love you. I want you to be my Savior. Please come into my heart. Thank you Jesus for dying for me. Amen.

My little girl is SAVED! Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus that Julianna Brooke's name is written in the Book of Life!

I have so much Joy knowing my little one will be with me for all eternity. I am so excited about the things He will do in her life. She has such a heart already. She cares for the orphan and the less fortunate. She gave 10% of her Christmas money in church on Sunday to help buy bibles to pass out to those that do not have any. She wants to adopt her children. She wants to help the people in India that do not know Jesus. Missions is a part of who she is. I can't wait to see the seed in her little heart growing for Jesus.

This is true Joy. What a wonderful Christmas gift to us!!

Can I ask - what about you? Do you have Joy and Peace in your heart? Jesus has His arms stretched out to you today. He wants to embrace you and fill you with a Peace and Joy that only comes from Him. He wants to spend eternity with YOU. He died so that you may live. He would have died if only for you. What are you doing for Him today? Seek Him. When you seek Him with your whole heart, you will find Him. He's there and He's waiting. Have faith like a child. Your life will be forever changed.

SUNDAY SNAPSHOT - WILLA VIRGINIA

2010-11-28T22:43:00.001-05:00

All of my life, I have been extremely close with my grandmother. I call her Ma Ma (Yes, I am in the South. Thankyouverymuch.) My sweet Ma Ma has had a hard life. She has had multiple brain aneurysms and had to have a craniotomy each time (though thankfully, they were always caught in time). She has had three miscarriages. When her youngest son was 29, he was fatally shot in the head. A year later, she lost her beloved husband of 45 years. Now, bless her precious heart, now, she has Alzheimer's and has to live in a nursing home.

When I got married, 10 years ago, we moved away. She would send me letters with $5.00 in them. When she knew I was coming home for a visit, she would walk to the drugstore on the corner near her house to buy me a Mountain Dew, so it would be waiting for me. It *kills* me to go see her now. She has no idea who I am. You know what though? She still treats me like she does. That is just her way. She has never met a stranger. I am thankful for the visits with her like I had this weekend. I took my kids to see her. She enjoyed them so much. Not because she knew they were her great grandchildren, but because she just loves children. She just smiled and giggled the whole time.

I am so grateful that my mom and her siblings can go everyday and visit her. They take care of her, even if she has to live in the nursing home. I so wish that I lived closer so I could go every week to see her. You can't tell in these photos, but my Ma Ma, my mom, me, and my daughter all have the same blue eyes.

One day, my precious Ma Ma will no longer have to endure the pain of this world. One day, she will meet her sweet Savior in Heaven. She will be reunited with her love and her baby. One day she will be whole in mind and will have a new body. I know one thing, even though she will have a new body, I will recognize her instantly when I meet her in Heaven as well - her heart will be unmistakeable. As much as my flesh doesn't want to think of her leaving Earth, my heart longs for the day when she finally has Peace.

I love you, Willa Virginia. I am proud to call you grandmother. Thank you for all you are to me. You have touched my heart like no other. I can't wait to name my daughter Willa. I only wish I could share my journey to her with you.

**edited to add: Gracious! LOOK at my roots! WOW! They didn't look that bad in person, just so you know!

TRANSPARENCY

2010-11-23T17:08:00.001-05:00

I was reading over my old blog today. The blog that I kept on our journey to Han Xiao. It was painful to read those words - to hear the excitement in my post. I remember those posts like they were yesterday. I remember the joy and excitement. It is hard to think that I will ever feel that again.

There are some posts there that really shared how Jesus provided and guided on our journey. I began to think that by taking that blog down, people were missing all the wonderful things He has done for us. I decided to merge the blogs. There are still a few posts that I have not published here, because it is still too painful. Not for me or my circumstance, but for her and her little life. I hate how it worked out for Xiao. I hate that I told her I was her mommy and then I left her there.

I do know that Jesus had a plan all along. He knew the way it would turn out. He knew that Xiao was not intended to be my daughter. I can happily report now that Xiao has indeed found her family, so she will get her happy ending. Thank God. It's still hard though.

Over time, I will publish more posts from the old blog. My journey is not complete without them. My journey to Willa would not be complete if I didn't include those posts too. Because of those painful things, I will eventually find the daughter Jesus intended for us.

Anyway, so there are new posts buried in the archives. I do ask that if you read them and feel the need to comment, please, please be kind. I do not need judgement. I answer to only ONE Judge. I sharing these in hopes that they help someone. I am not asking for thoughts and opinions. Thank you.

NEW BUTTON

2010-11-23T15:26:00.000-05:00

Loot at my cool new button to the right!! My sweet friend, Kelly, made it for me! Isn't it cool? She did a great job! And better yet, you can copy and post it on your blog too! I know y'all are dying to do that! LOL!

Thanks Kelly! I love it!!!!

He Moves Mountains

CLARIFICATION

FORGIVENESS

THIRTY ONE

DO YOU REALLY KNOW HIM?

WORSHIP

GOD STORY, PART 2

GOD STORY

LOOKING UP

LIFE

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 3

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 2

30 DAYS OF THANKFULNESS - DAY 1

OCTOBER

A BREAK

EVER JUST NEED A GOOD CRY?

REMEMBER THE RAM?

MOUNTAINS

HOME

A LITTLE GET AWAY

SWEET WORDS FROM A SWEET GOD

HOW HE LOVES

24 HOURS

ALL OVER THE PLACE

SUCH LOVE

FILTH

REFLECTION

I LOVE WHEN HE SPEAKS

NOTHING GOING ON

CLIPPIES

A FRESH WORD FROM GOD

SWEET BLESSINGS

DIFFICULT WEEKEND

BECAUSE I AM COO-COO

SUMMER

UPDATE FROM AGENCY

FEELING BETTER

KEEPIN' IT REAL

THAT TIME AGAIN

I DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH

BEAUTY FROM ASHES

FINANCES

FAVOR

OLDY BUT GOODY

I just found this post from April 2008. It cracked me up. I thought it was worth reposting. I am glad since then, Miss Priss realized that her mommy does not roll like that. Oh no she didn't!

JUNE

COMPLETE RANDOMESS

ROLLER COASTER

BRAD AND HIS CAKE

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

NEW MONTH, NEW FUNDRAISER!

CONTENTMENT AND FEAR

SIDE BAR HAPPENINGS

GREAT NEWS

HUMBLE APPRECIATION

DISCOURAGED

MIDDLE NAME??

BABY BOBO

PRAISE!

FRIDAY IS THE LAST DAY!

BUDDHA

SO PROUD

DEAR MOUNTAIN DEW

CHILDREN OF GOD

AGENCY INFO

HEART ATTACK

FUNDRAISER!

BASKET FULL OF GOODIES

TRUST

TRAVEL, AGAIN

THE LIST

VALENTINE'S DAY

HUNGRY

SHOPPING

PRESERVE THE INNOCENCE!

ONE YEAR AGO

JUDGEMENT

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG

GETTING IN THE WAY

WITH TEARS

I just found this post from April 2008. It cracked me up. I thought it was worth reposting. I am glad since then, Miss Priss realized that her mommy does not roll like that.

Oh no she didn't!